英文幽默故事

Lesson 1

A cat’s foreign language

rat fat cat

The mother rat and her babies are playing in the garden. A fat cat is coming to catch them for dinner.

The mother rat and her babies try to run away. But the baby rats can ‟t run very fast. The cat is getting closer and closer. Suddenly, the mother rat stops running and turns around. She shouts at the cat like an angry dog, “ woof, woof, woof. ” The cat is afraid and runs away.

The mother rat turns to her babies, and says, “ You see how important it is to learn a foreign language.”

Lesson 2

It is part of the game.

plate wake late

Mom is washing plates in the kitchen. Kate and her brother Dave are playing games in the living room. Kate is making a lot of noise. Mom says, “Kate, why do you yell and scream so much? You ‟re going to wake up your grandma. Please play quietly like Dave. See, he doesn‟t make a sound.”

“Of course, he doesn ‟t. Mom, it ‟s part of the game we are playing. He is daddy coming home late, and I „m you.”

Lesson3 The best Present.

best get wet

Ben and Ted are good friends. They always play together.

One day, Ted sees a water gun in Ben ‟s hand, and he asks, “Who gave you the gun?” “My grandpa, ” Ben says, “and this is the best present I have ever had.”

“why? ” Ted asks.

“when I play with it, I get everything wet. So my mom gives me five dollars for not playing with it.” Ben answers.

Lesson 4

I have his ear in my pocket.

his big kid

Tim is a naughty boy. He often fights with his classmates at school. One day, Tim comes home with a bloody nose. His mother asks, “Tim, what happened?”

“ A big kid bit me.” Tim answers. His mother is very angry to hear this. “ Would you recognize him if you saw him again? ” asks his mother.

“ I „d know him anywhere.” Says Tim. “ I have his ear in my pocket.”

Lesson 5

My dog doesn‟t bite.

white bite nice

Mike walks into a pet shop and sees a little white dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “ Does your dog bite?”

The shopkeeper says, “ No, my dog doesn‟t bite. ”

“ What a nice dog,” Mike says to himself. Then he bends down and tries to touch the dog. The dog bites him.

“ Ouch! ” he cries, “ You said your dog did not bite!”

The shopkeeper replies, “ That is not my dog. ”

Lesson 6 I was not lost.

dog stop hot

Bob is an old man. He often walks his dog in the street after dinner and comes back home at seven o‟clock.

One evening, a car stops at his house. A policeman helps Bob get out of the car. The policeman says to Bob „s wife, “ This old man got lost in the street. He asked me to take him home in the car.”

After the policeman leaves, Bob ‟s wife asks, “ Bob, you go to that street every day. How could you get lost?”

“ I was not lost. It was too hot. I just didn‟t want to go home on foot,” Bob answers.

Lesson 7 I broke them all.

coke nose broke

Little Rose is watching TV . Her mother asks, “Rose, what‟s on TV?”

“ A guy is drinking a glass of coke through his nose.”

“ Stop watching that stupid thing. Please go to the shop and buy some eggs for me.” “ Okay, mom.”

“ Be careful not to choose any bad ones.” Half an hour later, Rose comes back home with a yellow plastic bag. Her mother takes the bag, and looks inside.

“ What is it? ” she asks.

“ Eggs, of course! ” Rose say, “ I broke them all. Every one is good.”

“Are you joking?” her mother asks.

Lesson 8 A man with a gun. bus run gun

It ‟s a sunny day. A woman gets off the bus and goes into a butcher shop to buy some meat. A strange man follows her into the shop. At that time, some policemen are passing by. They find a gun in the man‟s pocket. The man is a robber.

“Madam, thank you very much. Your scream saved me, ” the butcher says , “but how did you know he was a robber?”

“ I didn ‟t know, ” replies the woman, “ I screamed because the meat was too expensive. ”

Lesson 9 Just use a pencil. cute excuse use

Tom is a little boy. He is cute, but also very naughty.

One evening, he eats a ballpoint pen. His mom quickly calls the doctor, “Excuse me, doctor, my son ate a ballpoint pen. Please come doctor, my son ate a ballpoint pen. Please come to my house at once.”

“ I‟m sorry, but it is too late. I‟m already in bed.” The doctor refuses to help.

“ Then what shall I do?” the mother says anxiously.

“ Don‟t worry, mom. You can just use a pencil, ” Tom says in pain.

Lesson 10 A smart answer far car smart

Mark ‟s father has a farm. It ‟s far away from the city. One day Mark goes to the farm with his father by car.

On the farm, Mark sees many hens. He looks at the hens and the question comes to his mind. He asks his father, “ Why are the hens ‟ legs so short, dad?”

Mark ‟s father smiles and says, “ If the hens ‟ legs are long, they will drop their eggs into pieces.”

“Dad, you are so smart. You know everything, ” Mark says.

Lesson 11 I’m the driver over sister driver

School is over. My sister and I are hurrying home for dinner. We fight our way onto the bus. The bus is really crowded. Just then, we see a man trying to get on, but no one gives way to him.

“ Hey, let me get on the bus! ” the man shouts.

“ I t‟s too crowed. You‟d better take the next bus, ” a passenger says to him.

“ But you can ‟t go without me. I‟m the driver! ” the man answers.

Lesson 12 A bedtime story about birds skirt bird third

It ‟s time for bed. Mary takes off her skirt and puts on her pajamas. But she isn‟t sleepy at all. So the little girl asks her mother to tell her a very, very long story, or she is not going to bed. So her mother begins to tell her a story like this, “ There is a very big old house, and there is some rice in it. One day, a big bird goes into the house and comes out with a grain of rice. Then another bird goes into the house and comes out with a brain of rice. Then a third bird goes into the house and comes out with a grain of rice. Then a fourth bird … Then a fifth bird…”

“ Stop, stop! I want to sleep,” Mary shouts.

Lesson 13 A bad school report horse sport short

Ford was born in the year of the horse. He is a third-grade student. He likes playing sports, but doesn‟t like his lessons. His father is forty years old and has a short temper. One day, ford gets his school report, and it is not a good one.

Ford knows what will happen if his father sees the report, but he has to ask his father to sign it. At last, he has a good idea.

In the evening , ford turns off the light. The room is very dark. Then he gives his father the school report, and says, “ can you sign it in the dark, dad?” Ford gets what he wants.

Lesson 14 The nurse should give me some money nurse turn purse

One day, Joe is ill. His mother takes him to the hospital. The doctor asks the nurse to give him an injection. Joe cries for a long time. “ Dear son, don ‟t cry. You ‟ll feel better after a while.”

When Joe turns around, he sees his mother take out some money from her purse and give it to the nurse. Joe says angrily , “No, she hurt me. She made me cry. She should give me some money.

Lesson 15 A different roast every day coat boat goat

Jack puts on his thick coat and leaves home for his winter holiday. He takes a boat to a small island and wants to stay there for two weeks. But four days later, he is back home. His mother asks why.

“On the first day, a goat died, and we had roast mutton for dinner, ” Jack says, “On the second day, a cow died, and we had roast beef for dinner. On the third day, a pig died, and we had roast pork for dinner.”

“ Very good. A different roast every day. ” His mother says.

“ On the fourth day, a farmer died, and we didn ‟t dare to stay for dinner,” Jack says.

Lesson 16 A noisy girl and five hundred ducks noisy noise voice

Some girls are making a lot of noise in class. Their teacher says in a loud voice, “ stop making so much noise. A girl is really like five hundred ducks. You are driving me mad! ”

A girl student stands up and goes to the restroom. When she comes back to the classroom, she says to the teacher, “ one thousand ducks outside are waiting for you, sir. ” The teacher is very surprised and goes out to see what it is. To his surprise, he sees his wife and his daughter standing outside the classroom.

Lesson 17 A lazy brook book look cook

Brook is a lazy boy. One evening, he is reading a story book on the sofa. His mother says to him, “ here is some money. Go and get some meat.”

“Look, I‟m busy, mom,” says Brook. So his mother gets the meat.

“Brook, here is the meat. Now cook it, please. ”

“But I‟m not good at cooking, mom, ” Brook answers. So his mother cooks the meat again.

After a while, the mother says to Brook, “ The meat is ready. Come and eat.”

“ Yes, mom, ” Brook jumps up from the sofa, and says, “ I don‟t like saying no all the time. ”

Lesson 18 She is a fool boots pool fool

Today is Mary‟s first day of school. She puts on her new boots and says goodbye to her mother.

When she comes home from school in the afternoon, her mother asks, “ Mary, do you like your new school?”

“ Yes, my school is very pretty. Our classroom is big and clean, and we have a very nice swimming pool,” Mary answers. “ How about your teachers?” mother asks. “ I like them all except the math teacher, She is really a fool. I can‟t believe her. First she says three and three is six, and then she says two and four is six too,” Mary says.

Lesson 19 Other moms also want to be proud proud about loudly

Peter gets a bad mark in school, and his mother is very angry with him.

“ Last year, I was proud of you, ” she shouts, “ You were the best pupil in the class. ”

The little boy is very sorry about that. He thinks for a moment, then he looks at his mother with a smile and says loudly, “ But other moms also want to be proud of their children and that will be impossible if I am always the first!”

Lesson 20 Follow the flies. snow know low

It ‟s snowing. Tom is walking home, cold and hungry. So he goes into a restaurant. He wants to go to the restroom to wash his hands before he starts his meal, but he doesn ‟t know where it is. So he asks the waiter in a low voice, “Can you show me where the restroom is?”

“ Just follow the flies. You can‟t miss it,” the waiter says.

Lesson 21 It ‟s raining now flower now how

Mr. Brown sees his son in the garden. He asks, “ Tom, what are you doing?”

“ I ‟m watering the flowers. Mom says we must water the flowers every day, or they will die. ”

“ But it‟s raining now,” Mr. Brown says. “ Oh, it doesn ‟t matter, dad. I have an umbrella, ” Tom answers.

“ How silly you are,” says Mr. Brown.

Lesson 22 That ’s why I keep the bigger one sweet teeth see

Mrs. Green says to her daughter, “Sweets are bad for your teeth. Take these two apples instead, and give one to your brother.”

One of the apples is much bigger than the other. The little girl keeps the bigger one for herself, and gives her brother the smaller one. When the brother sees that his sister ‟s apple is bigger than his, he says, “ It‟s selfish to take the bigger one for yourself. If our mother gives me two apples, I will give you the bigger one.”

“ I know you will, ” answers the sister, “ That‟s why I keep the bigger one.”

Lesson 23 Take this piece and cut it into two niece field piece

Kate is my niece. She is six years old. She has a sweet tooth, and cake is her favorite food. But her mother doesn‟t want her to eat too much sugar.

One day, when Kate comes back home from the sports field, she feels very hungry, so she asks her mom for some cake.

“ Mom, can I have two pieces of xake, please? ” Kate asks.

“Certainly, take this piece and cut it ynto two, ” her mother answers.

Lesson 24 Who put glue on my chair

blue true glue

Jack is a naughty boy. Today is his first day of school. He gets up early and puts on his blue jacket. Before he leaves home, his mother says, “Be good at school.”

When Jack comes back home from school, his mother asks how he is getting along at school.

“ Very well. My head teacher asked us a question, none of the students gave her the answer except me.”

His mother is very happy and says, “That ‟s too good to be true. Tell me what the question was. ”

“Who put glue on my chair? ” Jack answers.

Lesson 25 Before a meal or after a meal

eat meat easy

Mrs. King likes to eat meat and cakes, so she gets fatter and fatter. Now it is very difficult for her even to walk.

One day, she goes to see a doctor. The doctor looks over her carefully and then says, “ There is something wrong with your heart, Mrs. King. It ‟s bad for you to eat too much meat and sugar. You ‟d better eat a piece of bread for each meal.”

“That ‟s easy, doctor,” says Mrs. King, “but when should I eat it, before a meal or after a meal? ”

Lesson 26 Hit on the head with a cake

breakfast head bread

A woman is having her breakfast. At this time, she hears a knock on her door and opens it. A man is standing outside.

“ Excuse me,” he says, “I pass your house every morning. Every day, you hit your son on the head with a piece of bread.” “ That‟s right,” the woman says.

“ Yes, but this morning you hit him on the head with a big cake, why?”

“ Well, today is his birthday, ” the woman answers.

Lesson 27 Did she miss the train

rain wait train

Professor Gail is very forgetful. One Sunday morning, it ‟s raining hard. Professor Gail goes to the railway station to meet his mother. Before he leaves, his wife gives him a list of things for him to buy on the way. His wife doesn ‟t wait a long time before Professor Gail comes back home with a box of food and other things. His wife asks, “ where is your mother? Did she miss the train? ”

“ Oh! ” he said. “ she isn‟t on the list.”

Lesson 28 To draw out all his savings

saw yawn draw

A sixth-grade teacher was giving her students a lesson. She saw some of the students yawning. So she began to tell them something interesting.

“Here is the situation,” she said, “ A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He falls into the river, and begins screaming for help. His wife knows he can‟t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?”

A little girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

Lesson 29 Who is lazy

puppy happy lazy

Amy is playing with her puppy. Her mother says to her, “Amy, stop playing. Come and look at your sheet. It ‟s so dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”

Amy looks at the sheet, thinks for a while and then says, “ I don ‟t think it ‟s necessary. I can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?

Amy ‟s mother is not happy with this. “How lazy you are,” she shouts, “I turned it over last week. ”

Lesson 30 But my teacher cried

why cry shy

John is six years old. He is terribly spoiled. He often cries without stopping and nobody knows why. Today is his first day at school. His mother is very worried about him. When he comes back home from school in the afternoon, his mother asks, “ Did you get along all right? Did you cry?”

“Cry? ” John asks, “ No, I didn ‟t cry, but my teacher did. She is a little shy, I think.”

Lesson 31 You can‟t say no to the teacher

May play day

Little Kay goes to a new school in May. It ‟s not far away from her home. Kay is very happy to have new friends to play with. On the first day at the new school, her mother says to her, “You must be a good child at the new school. You can ‟t say no to the teacher. ”

“Okay, I know,” Kay answers.

The next day, she goes to school, and meets her new teacher. The teacher says, “Hello, Kay, can you do well in your lessons?” Kay answers, “Yes, I can.”

Then the teacher says, “Very good. Can you fight with your classmates?” “Yes, I can,” Kay says to the teacher.