摩登家庭第一季第一集台词

第一集

孩子们 吃早饭了

Kids, breakfast!

孩子们

Kids?

菲尔 把他们叫下来好吗

Phil, would you get them?

好 等下

Yeah. Just a sec.

孩子们

Kids!

-这真是 -算了

- That is - Okay.

孩子们 快下来

Kids? Get down here!

我们远在楼上 你们喊也没用

Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs?

-发短信就行了 -那是不可能的

- Just text me. - All right. That's not gonna happen.

你不能穿这套衣服出门

And, wow! You're not wearing that outfit.

这衣服怎么了

What's wrong with it?

亲爱的 对你女儿这条裙子

Honey, do you have anything to say

-有什么意见吗 -不好意思

- to your daughter about her skirt? - Sorry.

-挺可爱的嘛 宝贝 -谢了

- Oh, yeah. That looks really cute, sweetheart. - Thanks.

不行 这裙子太短了

No. It's way too short.

大家知道你是女生

People know you're a girl.

没必要穿这么少给他们看

You don't need to prove it to them.

卢克又把头卡在栏杆里了

Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.

我去吧 婴儿油在哪儿

I got it. Where's the baby oil?

在我们床头的 我不知道 你自己找

It's on our bedside tab- I don't know. Find it.

拜托

Come on!

我在成长期间很皮

I was out of control growing up.

你看 我坦白了

There, you know? I said it.

我只是不想让我的孩子

I-I just don't want my kids...

犯我一样的错

to make the same bad mistakes I made.

只要海莉没有半裸着在佛罗里达沙滩上醒来

I-If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked

我就完成任务了

I've done my job.

-我俩的任务 -对

- Our job. - Right.

我就算完成了我俩的任务

I've done our job.

加油 曼尼 踢球啊 踢啊

Vamos, Manny! Kick it! Kick it!

别让他 踢啊

Don't let him- Kick it!

曼尼 加油 往右跑 往右

Manny, go! A la derecha! A la derecha!

不 不 不要啊

No! No, no.

他下绊子 杰 怎么没人吹犯规

He tripped him, Jay. Where's the penalty?

歌洛莉亚 他们落后了球了

Gloria, they're and .

你小点声叫喊

Let's take it down a notch.

我们非常不同

We're very different.

杰来自城市

Jay's from the city.

他的生意做得很大

He has a big business.

我来自一个小山村

I come from a small village.

很穷 但风景怡人

Very poor but very, very beautiful.

我们村拥有全哥伦比亚最多的

It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the-

什么词来着

What's the word?

凶杀案

Murders.

对 凶杀案

Yes. The murders.

曼尼 拦住他

Manny, stop him!

拦住他 你可以的

Stop him! You can do it!

你真烂 曼尼

Damn it, Manny!

教练 让那孩子下场

Come on, coach. You gotta take that kid out.

你想让他下场吗 不如我让你"下场"如何

You wanna take him out? How about I take you out?

-亲爱的 -你还是操心你的儿子吧

- Honey, honey. - Why don't you worry about your son?

他整个上半场光忙着抓裤裆了

He spent the first half with his hand in his pants!

那话我周来一直想对她说来着

I've wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks.

我叫乔希 莱恩的爸爸

I'm Josh. Ryan's dad.

我叫歌洛莉亚 曼尼的妈妈

Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett. Manny's mother.

-这是你父亲吧 -她父亲?

- Oh, and this must be your dad. - Her dad?

-是啊 -不 不是 真搞笑

- Yeah. - No, no. That's funny.

其实 我是她老公

Actually, no, I'm her husband.

别被外表骗了

Don't be fooled by the, uh-

稍等

Give me a second here.

谁是乖宝宝 是谁啊

Who is a good girl? Who's that?

是谁啊

Who's that?

-她真可爱 -谢谢

- Oh, she's adorable. - Oh, thank you.

你好 小公主

Hi, precious. Hello.

我们刚从越南领养了她

Uh, we just, uh- We just adopted her from Vietnam.

这是我们第一次带她回家

And we're bringing her home for the first time, huh?

她像个小天使 你们夫妻俩一定很激动

She's an angel. You and your wife must be thrilled.

抱歉 我来晚了 老爹去买点心了

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Daddy needed snacks.

大家在聊什么呢

So, what are we talking about?

我们在一起已经...5年了吧?

Uh, we have been together for- guh, five- five years now?

我们非常想要一个孩子

And, uh, we just- we decided we really wanted to have a baby.

一开始 我们想找一个

So, we had initially asked one of our

女同性恋朋友做代孕母亲

lesbian friends to be a surrogate, but-

后来又想 她们平时就够刻薄了

Then we figured, they're already mean enough.

你能想象她们怀孕后会如何变本加厉吗

Can you imagine one of 'em pregnant? Pregnant, no.

还是算了吧 想想就怕

No, thank you. Ick.

你看到没 大家在逗莉莉玩

You saw that, right? Everybody fawning over Lily,

你一走进来 他们就装作

and then you walk on and suddenly it's all,

看购物杂志

"Ooh, SkyMall.

考虑买个电动领带架什么的

I gotta buy a motorized tie rack."

我得教育一下这帮人

All right, you know, I'm gonna give the speech.

千万别这么做

You are not giving the speech.

你还得和他们一起呆上小时呢

You're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours

好吧 你说得对 我错了

You're right, you're right. Okay. I'm sorry.

[Cream Puffs 意为泡芙或者娘娘腔]

你看那个拿着泡芙的宝宝 -好吧 够了

-Look at that baby with those cream puffs. -Okay. Excuse me

不好意思

Excuse me.

这宝宝原本可能会在人满为患的孤儿院里成长

This baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage

多亏我们这些娘娘腔收养呢

if it wasn't for us "Cream puffs."

你们这些搞歧视的人 -米奇尔

And you know what? Note to all of you who judge- Mitchell

给我听好了 爱不分种族 信仰

Hear this. Love knows no race, creed-

不分性别

Or gender.

-我为你们感到羞耻 -米奇尔

- And shame on you, - Mitchell.

你们这些狭隘愚昧的 -米奇尔

- you small-minded, ignorant few - Mitchell!

-干嘛 -人家说的是泡芙

- What? -She's got the cream puffs.

各位的耳机费我们请了

We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

兄弟 你怎么老是卡在这里面

Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like this?

我以为这次能拔出来呢

I thought I could get out this time.

我直说了吧 他得去检查一下智商

I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by a specialist.

好了 你自由了

There. Be free.

亚瑟王之剑拔出来了

Excalibur.

-今天我有朋友来家里玩 -谁啊

- I'm having a friend over today. - Who?

-你不认识他 -他？

- Uh, you don't know him. - Him? Him?

哇 男生 你会和他亲嘴吗

Ooh, a boy. You gonna kiss him?

-闭嘴 -别激动 别激动

- Shut up. - Easy. Easy.

-闭嘴 -你才闭嘴

- Yeah, shut up! - No, you shut up!

卢克和艾丽克斯 你们俩出去解决好吗

Luke, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay?

怎么解决

And do what?

-在太阳下决斗 不错吧 -海莉

- Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change. - Haley. 我逗你们玩呢 -是谁要来

- I'm kidding. - Who's the boy?

他叫迪兰

His name is Dylan.

我还是别让他来算了

I might as well tell him not to come...

不然你们又得让我丢脸

Because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

亲爱的 等等

Sweetie, hang on a second.

你15岁了 还是第一次有男生来家里

You're 15 , and it's the first time you've had a boy over.

我是有点小吃惊

I'm bound to be a little surprised,

可我不会让你丢脸的

but I'm not gonna embarrass you.

我去给摄像机充好电

I better charge the camcorder.

逗你玩呢 别这样 也不看看我是谁

I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking to?

我是酷老爹 这是我的风格

I'm the cool dad. That's- That's my thing.

我酷毙了 我会上网

I'm hip. I- I surf the Web.

我会发短信 LOL 大声笑

I text. "LOL"- Laugh out loud.

OMG---饿滴神

"OMG"- Oh, my God.

WTF意思是苦逼脸

"WTF"- Why the face?

[WTF=What the FUCK意思是搞毛]

《歌舞青春》里所有的舞我都会跳

Um, you know, I know all the dances

to High School Musical,so-

我们现在欢聚一堂

We're all in this together

没错

Yes, we are

我们都是大明星

We're all stars Something, something you know it

-妈 爸 -什么事

- Mom! Dad! - What happened?

-卢克用枪射我 -我不是故意的

- Luke just shot me! - I didn't mean to.

-你没事吧 -有事

- Are you okay? - No.

这小贱人用枪射我

The little bitch shot me.

-别说脏话 -只是塑料枪 这是意外

- Language! They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident.

早就告诉你 给他枪就会出事

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun?

-你看着办吧 -老弟 不对哦

- Deal with this. - Buddy, uncool.

就这样 不行 不行

That's it? That's- No, no, no, no.

我们说好他用枪射了别人 你就得射他的

The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

-我们当时是认真的吗 -当然是真的

- We were serious about that? - Yes, we were.

所以你现在要按说好的执行

And now you have to follow through.

对不起 -再装

- I'm so sorry. - Liar.

-去吧 -他还要去参加生日会呢

- Go. - He's got a birthday party.

哪个更重要 爸爸

What's more important here, Dad?

你可以之后再射他 他两点就能到家

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at :.

两点不行

I can't shoot him at :.

我两点还得带人去看房子

I'm showing a house at :.

-三点吧 -不行 三点他有足球赛

- What about 3:00? - No, he's got a soccer game at 3:00.

然后我们五点就得去赴宴

And then- Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at 5:00.

4点15吧 你可以在那时候射他

4:15. You could shoot him at 4:15.

行 那个时候我有空

Yeah, I guess that works for me. Oh!

-射卢克 -抱歉 记入日程了

- "Shoot Luke." - Sorry, dude. It's on the calendar.

别这样啊

Oh, come on!

我不想踢足球了 那是小孩玩的

I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children.

不 你不能放弃

No, you're not quitting.

对方之所以会进球

You would have stopped that goal

完全是因为你光顾着看小女孩了

if you weren't staring at that little girl.

她不是女孩 她是女人

She is not a girl. She's a woman.

歌洛莉亚 你犯得着非要和

You know, Gloria, that little blowup with that other mom

那个妈妈吵架吗

Why do you have to do things like that?

如果有人说我的家人

If somebody says something about my family,

-我一定 -我只是说

- I'm going to - I'm just saying.

你火气应该小一点 就这样

You could take it down here a little bit. That's all.

没错 你总是这么忍气吞声的

Oh, yeah. 'Cause that's where you live, down here.

-可我咽不下这口气 -可是

- But I live up here! - Yeah, but,

我只是说 你别那么容易激动嘛

you don't have to be so emotional all the time.That's all I'm saying.

曼尼 你也这么觉得吧

Manny, you're with me on this, right?

我要告诉布兰达·费德曼我爱她

I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.

-天啊 -曼尼 她都16岁了

- Oh, for God sakes. - Manny, she's 16.

你不就找了年长的对象吗

Oh. It's okay for you to take an older lover?

-嘿 说话注意点 -我要去她上班的商场

- Hey, watch it. - I wanna go to the mall where she works.

不过我先得换上我的白衬衫 丝绸的那件

But first I need to get my white shirt, the silk one.

好吧 如果你真想这么做的话

Okay. If that's what you really want to do.

说真的 不是我要当恶毒的后爹

Seriously. Not to be the evil stepdad,

可你要真穿着那臃肿的白衬衣

but if you put on a puffy white shirt...

去向16岁的姑娘告白

and declare your love for a 16-year-old,

你会被扒得只剩条白内裤

you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole

然后被吊在旗杆上

in your puffy white underpants.

-停车 -你去哪儿

- Stop the car. - Oh, where are you going?

看到没 你伤他的心了

See? You hurt his feelings.

要是这能让他变得坚强点

Ah- Well, if it toughens him up a little bit then-

妈呀 他去采野花了

Oh, geez. He's picking flowers.

曼尼是个多情种 和他爹一样

Manny's very passionate, just like his father.

我的前夫 风度翩翩 但太疯狂了

My first husband- he's very handsome, but too crazy.

我们不是在吵架就是在做爱

It seemed like all we did was fight and make love,

吵架 做爱 吵架 做爱

fight and make love, fight and make love.

说真的 有一次 我们从窗口摔下去了

One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out the window together

你们当时到底在做什么

Which- Which one were you doing?

我也是第一次听说

I'm hearing this for the first time.

你不担心吗

This doesn't worry you?

她在飞机上就没怎么睡 现在还很清醒

She barely slept on the plane and she's still wide awake.

-别想多了 -不想才怪

- Oh, stop worrying. - I can't.

那个孤儿院里都是女人

That- That orphanage was all women.

也许离开女性柔软的怀抱 她就睡不着

Maybe she just- she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape.

-有可能 -那你抱着她

- I guess that's possible. - So here.

你这话是什么意思

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

没错

Yes,

在等待领养孩子的期间 我是长胖了一点

I've gained a few extra pounds while we were

expecting the baby,

过程相当艰辛

which has been very difficult.

但显然你的身体会

But apparently your body

产生一些母性的本能反应

does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing...

来储存养分

where it retains nutrients-

像是分子生理学那类的

some sort of molecular physiology thing.

那是科学事实

But that's science.

人类 根本无力抵抗

You can't- You can't fight it, so-

-我没别的意思 -你就是话里有话

- I'm not saying anything. - You're saying everything.

-数到 -

- Count to three. - One, two-

- -好吧

- Three. - Okay.

-小卡 真美 -我的天 你喜欢吗

- Oh, Cam. This is beautiful. - Oh, my God. Do you love it?

当然 我

Yes, I-

这是什么玩意

What the hell is that?

我让安珠尔趁我们不在时画的

I had Andre do it while we were gone.

那是我俩吗 还有翅膀

Is that us, with wings?

我们在她的上方 永远守护着她

We're floating above her, always there to protect her.

这真让人心安 对吧 莉莉

Okay. Well, that's reassuring, right, Lily?

我们把你从熟悉的环境中抢出来

Yes, we tore you away from everything you know,

可别担心 新环境一切"正常"

but don't worry, things are normal here.

你的大爸二爸可是飞天小精灵哦

Your fathers are floating fairies.

不行 你能叫安珠尔

No, can you call Andre,

重新画点不那么基情的东西吗

have him paint something a little less gay?

另外 我们也该少和安珠尔往来

By the way, we need to stop having friends

他名字也太娘了

with names like Andre.

-红发老爹怒火旺盛 -我才不是

- Redheaded dad is angry daddy. - No, I'm not.

你就是

Yes, you are.

回来的路上 连胡娇都看出来了

Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.

你看 又一个娘气的名字 胡娇

Okay, that's another one- Pepper.

你到底怎么不爽

Okay, what's up?

好吧 听着

All right, look. I-

我还没有告诉家里领养孩子的事

I- I never told my family we were adopting a baby.

-而且 -我知道

- And... - I know.

-你知道 -我不怪你 我了解你家人

- You do? - Yeah, and I don't blame you. I know your family.

你一告诉他们 他们就开始说三道四

You'd tell 'em. They'd say something judgmental.

-就是这样 -然后你就会生气

- Exactly. - You'd get mad.

没错 当爹本该是一件喜事

I know. And then something that's supposed

to be nothing but joyful

转眼就变成一团混战

suddenly turns into this huge fight.

谁愿意让事情变得一团糟呢

And who wants a big, emotional scene like that?

谢谢 谢谢

Thank you. Thank you.

你能理解我 真是让我松了一口气

I'm so- I'm so relieved you understand.

所以我邀请了他们今晚来吃饭

I invited them over for dinner tonight.

-什么 -我也是不得已

- What? - I had to.

这样下去没完没了 你就只会逃避

This would have gone on forever. You're an avoider.

不 小卡 我现在就打电话取消这件事

No. No. No. Cam, I'm calling them right now and canceling.

不准打

No, you're not.

今晚你得把领养的事告诉全家人

You're telling your family you adopted a baby, tonight.

你就是喜欢逃避 连朗吉娜都这么说

And you do have avoidance issues. Even Longinus said so.

你自己听听 这些名字有多娘

Are- Are you really not hearing these names?

你们别管了 我来开门

Don't answer it! I'll get it!

你好 你一定是迪兰吧

Hi. Hey, you must be Dylan.

-是的 迪兰 -我是海莉的妈妈

- Hey. Dylan. Yeah. - I'm Haley's mother.

-我们走吧 -那个

- Come on. Let's go. - Okay. Um-

等一下

Hang on one second.

迪兰 你还在念高中吗

Dylan, you're still in high school?

-是 我高三了 -高三 很好

- Yeah, I'm a senior. -A senior. Okay. Cool.

菲尔 亲爱的 这是迪兰 他读高三

Hey, Phil. Sweetie. Honey. He is Dylan, and he is a senior.

你得给他个下马威

You have to scare him.

让我瞧瞧这个花心大少

Let me meet this "Playa."

在下菲尔·邓菲

Phil Dunphy, yo.

就是这样 你只需死盯着他们看

It's like that. You just- You just stare down at 'em,

用眼神中的杀气震住他们

let the eyes do the work.

你嘴上说着 没问题

Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we cool,"

可你的眼神说 才怪

but your eyes are like, "No, we not."

很高兴见到你 才怪

"Nice to meet you." "No, it's not."

挺不错嘛

"It's all good."

才怪

"No, it's not."

-我看你俩已经 -等一下

- Okay, I see you two guys- - Wait, wait, wait.

你们俩

You two-

你俩要坦诚相待 懂吗 小子

You two keep it real, know what I mean, son?

不太懂

Not really.

-求求你 别说了 -没事

- Please, stop. - That's cool.

-妈呀我的背 -亲爱的

- Ow. Oh, God! That's my back. - Oh, honey. Sweetheart.

我被婴儿油滑倒了

Ow! Oh! I slipped in the baby oil.

你哪儿冒出来的啊

"Oh, where you from originally?"

单挑的话 我轻而易举就能放倒你

"I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation."

我不知道该怎么办 要打电话叫医生吗

I don't know about this. Should I call a doctor?

不用不用 好了

No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

-小样儿挺强壮的啊 -谢谢夸奖

- You're very strong, homes. - Thanks.

-好 轻轻放下我 -好了

- Okay. Nice- Nice soft landing. - There you go.

-行了我们走吧 -我还侧躺着

- Okay, let's go. Come on. - I am on my side though.

现在只需把我放平 就没事了

So just flip me right back, and we're good.

就没事了

We'll be good.

只需要把我翻过来就行

I just need to get flipped right on my back,

就没事了

and we should be fine. So-

布兰达·费尔曼

Brenda Feldman.

-你拿的什么 -我为布兰达·费尔曼写的诗

- What is that? - A poem I have written for Brenda Feldman.

不用想也知道

Of course it is.

我将心事化为文字 将文字用于行动

I put my thoughts into words and now my words into action.

你取消行动的话 我就给你50块钱

Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this.

我才11岁而已 要那么多钱干什么

I'm 11 years old. What am I gonna do with money?

你这年纪要16岁的花姑娘又能干什么

What are you gonna do with a 16 -year-old?

-他就像个斗牛士 -你见过斗牛吗

- He's like a bullfighter. - Mmm. You ever see a bullfight?

我看不下去了 -我知道你心情不好

I can't watch this. - You're in such a bad mood.

我也知道原因 因为那人以为你是我爸爸

And I know why. It's because that man thought you were my father.

-不是的 -就是

- No. - Yes.

-不是 -你这样否认时 就代表是

- No. - When you say "No" like that, it's always "Yes." 别这样 我们都到商场了

Come on. We're in the mall.

给你买点年轻的衣服吧

Let's get you, like, some younger clothes.

-那边有家店 -我不需要年轻的衣服

- There's a store there. - I don't need any younger clothes.

我也不在乎那些

And I don't care what some jackass

穿着破牛仔裤的混蛋如何看我

in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.

没错 你不用在乎他们

Good. You shouldn't.

你只要在乎我的想法就行了

You should only care what I think.

我爱你 我不在意你的年纪

I love you, and I don't care how old you are.

所以别郁闷了 对曼尼也别那么凶

So stop being a gloomy goose and stop being so hard on Manny

我对曼尼严格只是因为

The only reason I'm hard on Manny...

我不想让他出洋相

Is just because I don't wanna see him make a fool of himself.

我从这儿都能闻到他的发胶味了

And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.

我不知道他那里会发生什么

Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there.

可你是他的家人 这就意味着

But you're his family now, and that means only one thing-

你只可背后送春风 不可当面唾其脸

You be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face.

-啥玩意 -这是我妈常挂嘴边的话

- What? -It's something my mom always says.

用西班牙语说很华丽的

It's gorgeous in Spanish.

瞧 他来了

Look, he's there.

-她名花有主了 -真遗憾 小宝贝

- She has a boyfriend. - Oh, I'm sorry, mi nino.

我把心献给了她

I gave her my heart,

她却还了一幅把我画成老式警长的图

she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

-我真傻是吧 -才不是呢小宝贝

- That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? - No, mi amor.

你是勇气可嘉 对吧 杰 勇气可嘉

It was brave. Right, Jay? Brave.

下次你就会进步了

W-Well, you'll know better next time.

来 我们买椒盐卷去

Come on. Let's get a pretzel.

没事 我挺喜欢这画的

Mentira. A me se me gusta.

先生 不好意思

Uh, excuse me, sir.

在商场散步锻炼的人必须靠右边走

We ask that all mall-walkers stay to the right.

艾丽克斯 出去 妈妈你看她

Alex, get out! Mom!

艾丽克斯 别去烦你姐姐

Alex, leave your sister alone.

我只是进去拿我的书而已 至于吗

I was just getting my book. Gosh.

我知道 亲爱的 可你要尊重个人隐私

I know, sweetie. But you need to respect their privacy.

-他们在楼上干嘛呢 -没干嘛

- What are they doing up there? - Nothing.

躺在她床上并肩看电影

Lying on her bed, watching a movie.

很好 很好

Okay. Okay.

我在为今晚的聚餐准备蛋糕

Um, I'm making a cake for tonight.

你想帮我做糖霜吗

You wanna help me with the frosting?

好啊

Sure.

要是海莉怀孕了

So, you know, if Haley got pregnant,

你会假装她得了腮腺炎 请假在家

would you ever pretend she has mono for a few months,

然后告诉别人那孩子是你的吗

and then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?

-什么 -有个高中生请了4个月病假

- What? - This senior at school was "Out sick" for four months,

可吉娜·瑞斯尼克发誓说看到她

but Jenna Resnick swears she saw her breast-feeding

在自助洗车站给孩子喂奶

at a coin-op car wash.

老弟 你穿了多少衣服啊

Buddy, what are you wearing?

-没穿多少 -把外套脱了

- Nothing. - Uh-uh. No jacket.

只能戴一顶帽子

One hat.

你穿了几条内裤啊

How many pairs of underwear do you have on?

就条

One.

是条

Six.

首先 看海莉怀孕变胖还蛮爽的

First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat.

更酷的是

And how awesome would it be

多了个假弟弟 实际上是我亲外甥

to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew.

海莉才不会怀孕

Haley is not getting pregnant.

-我只是说假如 -我知道

- Just saying "If." - I know.

我知道你喜欢找你姐的茬儿

And I know you like to make trouble for your sister,

不过这次不管用了

but it's not gonna work this time.

知道为啥吗 因为你姐是个好女孩

You know why? 'Cause your sister's a good girl.

我明白 因为她和我当年一模一...

I know. I was just like her when I was-

要知道 我也不想这么做

I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this.

可你得吸取这个教训

But this is an important lesson that you're learning.

所以 记好了 记住了

So, soak it. Keep it.

你站太近了 这样会很疼的

You're too close. It's gonna hurt.

就是要你疼

It's supposed to hurt.

-你干嘛贱贱地笑 -我笑了吗

- And why are you smiling? - I'm- What?

算了 我下不了手

Oh, forget it. I can't do this.

就是要让你害怕 你已经学到教训了

The point is you're scared. I think you've learned your lesson.

妈 你干什么啊

Mom! What are you doing?

我是来放洗好的衣服

Oh, hey! I was just, um, dropping off some laundry.

-打扰到你们了吗 -当然

- Is this a bad time? - Yeah.

那我走好了

Oh. Okay.

你能把门带上吗

Uh, can you shut the door, please?

我们还是让门开着吧

Actually, we're just gonna go ahead and leave that open.

为啥

Why?

因为这种场景我见多了

Because I have, uh, seen this little show before-

和高大的学长共卧一塌

Lying on the bed with a tall senior.

上一秒还只是一起看《鹰冠庄园》的朋友

One minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest,

下一秒你们就钻进游戏桌下

and the next you're lying underneath the air hockey table

宽衣解带了

with your bra in your pocket.

妈妈

Mom!

-你打到我的骨头了 -纯属意外

- You hit my bone! - It was an accident!

-我以为你是我哥们呢 -我是啊

- I thought you were my friend! - I am your friend.

爸爸 你必须和妈妈谈谈

Dad! Dad, Dad. You have got to talk to Mom.

她简直是疯了 而且丢尽了我的脸

She is, like, completely freaking out and embarrassing me!

宝贝 你妈是不像你爸那么通情达理

Honey, your mom isn't always as cool about things as-

这玩意怎么回事啊

What is with this thing?

我爸

My dad.

我爸对这事还是不太习惯

Uh, my dad still isn't completely comfortable with this.

已经过了5年了 他还是无法完全接受

Um- He-He still does this thing. It's been five years now.

每次他要进入我和小卡在的房间时

And he still does this thing where he announces himself...

他都会先喊一声

before walking into any room we're in...

以防撞见我和小卡亲嘴

just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss.

要是我妈也有这个习惯就好了

Wish my mother had that system.

-还记得吗 -以后再说

- Remember? - Not now.

我真不敢相信你这么对我

I still can't believe you did this to me.

你能高兴点吗 这是个庆祝会啊

Would you get in the spirit of things? It's a celebration.

天啊

Oh, God.

-我去给莉莉打扮一下 -好

- Okay, I'm gonna go get Lily ready. - Okay.

-我要你对他们实话实说 -好吧

- And I want you to just come straight out with it. - All right.

听话 你能做到的

Okay. You can do this.

来个运动员式的撞胸

Yeah. Sports guy chest bump.

-不要 -来撞一个

- No. - Sports guy chest bump.

-小卡 好了 -上吧

- Cam. Oh! All right. Go - Do it.

抱歉

Sorry.

-你好啊 -大家好啊

- How are you? - Hi, guys. Hey.

看起来很美味啊 谢谢

That looks good. Oh, thank you. Thanks.

不用谢 打开吧 爸爸后脚马上就到

Don't thank us. Open it. Dad is coming right behind.

有人吗 我们要进来了

Knock, knock! We're here. Coming in!

别担心爸爸 我们没在里面搞基

Don't worry, Dad. Nothing gay going on here.

能帮你脱下这缤纷外套和闪亮小帽吗

May I take your multicolored coat and bejeweled cap?

-拿去吧 -杰你好啊

- Yeah. Yeah. - Hey, Jay.

-你好 歌洛莉亚 -你好

- Gloria, hi. - Hi.

-老爸你还好吗 -歌洛莉亚 你好

- How are you? Hi, Dad. - Hi, Gloria. How are you?

-裙子真漂亮 -谢谢你 菲尔[摸摸]

- Oh, what a beautiful dress. - Ay, thank you, Phil.

好吧

Okay.

菲尔

Oh, hey, Phil.

["Phil菲尔"和"feel触摸"音相似]

她是叫你名字 不是要你去摸

That's how she says "Phil." Not "Feel." Phil.

-旅行怎么样 -挺好的 真的

- So how was your trip? - It was good. It was good actually.

关于这事

But, um, about that, I- I

我有些事要告诉你们

have something that I need to tell you guys.

我们去越南不光是为了旅游

Um- Uh, we didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure.

我们有重要消息宣布

We, uh, kind of have some big news.

天啊 要是小卡隆了胸 我立马走人

Oh, God. If Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm leaving.

-爸爸 -我希望你的家长没让你觉得丢人 妈

- Dad. - I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom.

别管她 海莉今天首次带男生回家

Oh, don't mind her. Haley had her first boy over today...

菲尔就给了他一枪

And Phil shot him.

总之 一年前

Anyway, um, so, about- about a year ago,

小卡和我开始渴望有一个

Cam and I started feeling this longing, you know,

有一个 孩子

for something more, like, uh, maybe a baby?

-这主意很糟糕 -你说糟糕是什么意思

- Ooh, that's a bad idea. - What do you mean, "Bad idea"?

孩子需要有妈妈

Well, kids need a mother.

如果你们俩无聊了 可以养条狗

I mean if you two guys are bored, get a dog.

我们不是闲得无聊 爸

Okay, we're not bored, Dad.

我支持米奇尔 尽管你不是我亲生的

I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son.

我觉得爸爸的意思是

I-I-I-I think what Dad is trying to say...

米奇尔 你有点紧张兮兮的

is that, Mitchell, you're a little uptight.

孩子就意味着麻烦 你没法处理这种事

Kids bring chaos, and- and you don't handle it well.

爸爸可不是这个意思

That's not what Dad's saying.

这是你的意思

That's what you're saying.

而且是从另一个角度羞辱了我

And it's insulting in a whole different way.

好了 各位都冷静点

Okay, people. Let's all "Chillax."

-卡梅隆舅夫呢 -多谢多谢

- Hey, where's Uncle Cameron? - Thank you. Thank you.

总算有人发现他不在了 而不是光羞辱我

Someone who's not insulting me notices he's not here.

原来你的重要消息就是这个啊

Oh, so that's the big announcement, huh?

你俩分手了吗

You two broke up.

领养个孩子也挽救不了破裂的婚姻

Well- Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway.

老实说 你们分了也好

And let me tell you. You're better off,

他就喜欢小题大做

because he was a bit of a drama queen.

不是的 打住 打住

No, no, no. Stop. Stop. No.

你们到我家来 还羞辱我和我的男朋友

You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend,

而且他才没有小题大做

who, by the way, is not that dramatic-

我们领养了一个宝宝

We adopted a baby.

她名叫莉莉

Her name is Lily.

激动吧 -停下来

- Exciting! - Just turn it off.

我停不下来 这就是我的个性

I can't turn it off. It's who I am.

-我是说音乐 -关音乐啊

- The music. - Oh, yes, the music.

来和莉莉打招呼吧

Come say hi to Lily.

看看这个小公主

Ay, miren a la princesita.

真是个小公主

The little princess.

-她好可爱 -多谢夸奖

- She's so cute! - Thank you.

让我看看 让我看看

Let me see her. Let me see her.

你好啊 莉莉

Hi there, Lily.

莉莉 对她来说不是很难发音吗

"Lily." Isn't that gonna be hard for her to say?

-菲尔打住 -我说

- Phil. - Excuse me.

我知道我说了领养这个主意很糟糕

Okay, I-I-I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea.

可我又懂什么呢

But, uh, what do I know?

我也不是个模范父亲

I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood.

一辈子都想做好爸爸 可我还是搞砸了

Been trying all my life to get it right. I'm still screwing up.

-对吧曼尼 -我在车上为此写了首歌

- Right, Manny? - I wrote a song about it in the car.

意料之中

Of course you did.

不管怎样 我为你们感到高兴

Anyway, I'm happy for you.

你们要知道

And, uh, you should know that, uh,

我不是来唾你们脸的

I'm not here to spit in your face,

我是来给你们 吹吹后背春风的

I'm here to... blow at your back.

-我不懂你的意思 -我也不懂

- I don't understand what that means. - I don't-

这话用西班牙语说比较好听

Well, it's- it's supposed to sound better in Spanish.

[良言一句三冬暖 恶语伤人六月寒]

真好听 真美

Oh, that's beautiful. That's really nice.

也谢谢你

And thank you too.

总之 米奇

Anyhow, Mitch, uh-

不用了 爸爸

No, Dad, it's- it's- -

-我来抱她 -她哭了

- I got her. I got her. - Oh, she's crying.

她要爷爷抱 她要爸爸抱

She wants her grandpa! She wants her daddy!

-想见见爷爷吗 -开什么玩笑

- Do you wanna meet Grandpa? - What? Are you kidding?

她是自家人了 让我瞧瞧你这跟屁虫

She's one of us now. Let me see the little pot sticker.

你真是个小可爱 对吗

Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you?

看看这个

Ah. Look at this.

我们来自不同的世界 但我们彼此相容

We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit together.

爱将我们紧紧相连 共度风风雨雨

Love is what binds us, through fair or stormy weather.

我到你的前面 只有一事相许

I stand before you now with only one agenda-

我的心只属于你

"To let you know my heart is yours,

布兰达·费尔曼

Feldman comma Brenda."

不是吧我靠

I mean, seriously.

至今为止 卢克在篮球上还没赢过我

Luke, so far, hasn't beaten me in basketball.

2比0 2比0 来吧

It's 2-0.2 -0. Okay. Okay.

-手下败将 滚吧 -爸爸 住手

- Get that weak stuff out of my kitchen! - Dad, stop it!

帮个忙好吗 站过去

Can you do me a favor? Just grab-

篮下的滋味如何

How's the weather down there?

等到他赢过我的那一天

But when the day comes that he does win-

如果有那么一天

if- you know- if/when-

他打败了我 我会说

he beats me, I'm just gonna be like,

干得好 干得好

"Well done. Well done."

就这样支持他

Just, like, let him- Just support him...

就是这样

in- in- in that kind of stuff.

我可能会说

I mean, I'd probably want to go, like,

三局两胜才算赢 再来一局什么的

two out of three and just see what happens there, but-

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