毕业论文翻译报告

本科毕业论文

中文题目：《严肃点，我在开玩笑》（第一至三章）翻译报告 外文题目: A Translation Project Report of Seriously, I’m

院 系 英语学院

专 业 英语（翻译）

年 级

学 号 xxxxxxxxxxxx

学生姓名 xxx

指导教师 xxx

结稿日期 2014年4月30日

《严肃点，我在开玩笑》（第一至三章）翻译报告

摘 要

本文是一篇翻译报告，翻译项目原文为美国著名日间节目主持人艾伦·德杰尼勒斯的《严

肃点，我在开玩笑》(Seriously, I’m Kidding )第一至第三章节。该作品的风格简单，语言朴实，无华丽辞藻的修饰，就是艾伦的随笔杂文，在书中表达了自己对社会某些现状的看法，对人应该具有的品质的想法等，表达口语化但又幽默风趣，正如她的脱口秀一样，富含美式幽默，如和读者进行面对面的交流。

同时，因该书语言较口语化，且因中美文化差异和思维方式的不同，对其中的某些语句

不能完全领悟，所以很多西方国家的人觉得非常好笑的事情，我们却不能够完全领会其中的趣味。所以该翻译报告的目的与意义就是在翻译过程中更好的了解中美文化差异，获得更多的翻译经验，以及有关翻译理论和实践的思考，分析文化差异与文化背景对语句理解，意义传达所造成的影响，希望通过自己的翻译实践心得，更好的理解这本书中蕴含的美国文化与幽默。

本翻译报告分为四部分。第一，翻译项目介绍，包括项目背景、项目意义与报告结构。

第二，原作背景介绍，包括作者介绍、原文版本、主要内容介绍以及原文分析。第三，翻译难点与翻译方法，包括翻译之前的准备工作，以及举例说明翻译过程中采用的翻译方法。第四，总结翻译过程中的经验教训以及仍待解决的问题。

关键词：翻译报告；杂文翻译；翻译方法；直译；意译

Acknowledgments

The paper benefited from my teacher and roommates. I could never finish the

paper without their help. I would like to express my sincere gratitude to them.

On the completion of thesis, first and foremost, I would like to express my

heartfelt gratitude to my supervisor, Professor Zhao Huijun, for her supervisor encouragement, guidance, care and valuable suggestions in the period of writing. During this time, my supervisor also gave me some contributed thoughtful insights, and these will be of great benefit to my future writing work. That help me a lot.My special thanks should go to all the participants of the present study.

What I can never forget is the days spent with my roommates. Their warmest

concern, firmest encouragement and sincere friendship have always been with me during these four years.

I thanks them all from the bottom of my heart. Their kindness and generosity

would stay in my mind all my life.

目录

摘要„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„ i 致谢„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„ii

第一章 引言„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„1

1.1 项目目标„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„1

1.2 项目背景„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„1

1.3 项目意义„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„1

第二章 原文背景„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„2

2.1 关于作者„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„2

2.2 关于原文„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„2

2.2.1 原文版本„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„2

2.2.2 主要内容„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„2

2.2.3 原文分析„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„3

第三章 翻译难点与翻译方法„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„4

3.1 翻译难点„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„4

3.2 准备工作„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„4

3.3 翻译方法„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„4

3.3.1 直译与意译„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„4

3.3.2 增补法„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„6

3.3.3 顺译法„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„7

3.3.4 变序法„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„7

3.3.5 其他翻译方法„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„7

3.4 小结 „„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„8

第四章 总结 „„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„9

4.1 翻译经验„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„ 9

4.2 翻译教训„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„ 9

4.3 仍待解决的问题„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„ 9 注释„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„11 参考文献„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„12 附录1 原文„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„13 附录2 译文„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„„23

第一章 引言

1.1 项目背景 艾伦·德杰尼勒斯是美国脱口秀节目著名的主持人，但是很少人知道艾伦还是一位出色的作家，早在她做主持之前，艾伦就于1995年出版了《最重要和我所拥有的》，接着于2003年出版了《有趣的事》 最近就是2011年出版的该翻译论文所选翻的书籍《严肃些，我在开玩笑》。本书的风格与艾伦的主持风格如出一辙，亲切，欢乐，使人轻松愉悦。目前尚无中文译本。该翻译论文所选章节为艾伦自己对于人生的一些感悟，比如做真实的自己，积极乐观的生活态度，告诉读者真实的自己才最美，还表达了对待生活中琐事的态度，努力的告诉大家女性的自我保养得重要性等。翻译过程包括选定翻译文本、对文本进行通读及背景调查、进行翻译工作、与导师进行沟通交流以及修改校对译文。

1.2 项目目标

由于该书语言为口语化的表达，完全为美国的人日常用语，且因中美文化差异和思维方式的不同，所以该翻译论文的目标是通过翻译过程来更好的了解美国文化，同时还可以获取更多的翻译经验，结合理论与实践，运用查找相关资料，工具等方法分析文化差异与文化背景，尝试理解原文中的隐含意思，并试着转化为中文后仍能达到类似的效果。

1.3 项目意义

此项目原文文体为随笔杂文，是艾伦从个人的的角度对女人应该怎样做自己和保养自己等方面表达了自己的生活态度。从她的文章中流露出对自己对生活的自信，能够引起乐观者的共鸣，同时也能够激励迷茫者的自信。该原文阐述方面贴近生活，为某些中年女性枯燥的生活带来了希望和信心，同时也鼓励了一些中年女性追求自己完美中年的勇气。译者希望通过此翻译项目，让更多的人了解勇敢自信的做真实的自己，有自己的思想和保护自己的意识。

第二章 原文背景

2.1 关于作者

艾伦·德杰尼勒斯在1958年1月26日出生于新奥尔兰一个中产阶级家庭，是美国著名脱口秀喜剧演员，电视节目主持和演员。艾伦德杰尼勒斯是历史上唯一一位主持过奥斯卡（Academy Awards），格莱美奖（Grammy Awards）和艾美奖（Emmy Awards）的主持人。 Ellen出生于路易斯安那州，她拥有法国，英国，德国和爱尔兰的血统。Ellen于1976年5月毕业于亚特兰大中学。她做过女服务员，油漆工，迎宾女招待和酒保。她的喜剧式的工作方式与她小时候和后来的工作生活有很大的关系。

Ellen生平获得过很多奖项，比如《海底总动员》中为Dory的配音而被授予“土星奖最佳女配角”；福布斯全球最具影响力女性100强名单中排名第十等等。

The Ellen DeGeneres Show，于2003年9月8日首播，深受全世界观众喜爱，目前这个脱口秀赢得了31座艾美奖。Ellen通过独特的轻松，自然，坦诚，诙谐，幽默的主持风格与滑稽有趣的节目环节继续证明着这个节目作为日间脱口秀的领导者地位。该节目因彰显人道主义更而获得好评。该节目已筹得超过1，000万美元帮助了重建地区，校园恐吓，乳腺癌等公益事业。由于Oprah Winfrey Show的停播，使得Ellen Show 成为全美最炙手可热的电视谈话节目。

2.2 关于原文

2.2.1 原文版本

本书语种为英语，于2011年10月4日由Grand Central Publishing出版社出版。共40435字。作者为美国著名节目主持人艾伦·德杰尼勒斯。

2.2.2 主要内容

本书是美国著名节目主持人艾伦·德杰尼勒斯公开出版的第三本书。主要内容就是艾

伦自己的所见所闻，自己对于某些社会问题的看法。科克斯书评曾经这样评价这本书：“读者绝对不会失望的，这本书就像是大杂烩，从头至尾展示了作者捕捉幽默的能力，书中的 内心独白完全显示出艾伦智慧和开朗的标志。

2.2.3 原文分析

该书的语言风格延续了艾伦的主持风格，轻松，自然，坦诚，诙谐，幽默，非常有亲切感。艾伦自己曾经说过，她的幽默不像那些凭着挖苦别人，讽刺别人，给别人带来伤害哗众取宠的人，她的幽默总是让人感到很柔和，舒服和亲切。该书的语言还很口语化，比如在我所选的第一章中：“亲爱的我回来了，哦天哪，你的毛孔好大呀。”再比如第三章中：“嗨，我们穿着一样的长袍，要不要来个拥抱？”这也是本书奇特的地方，读者仿佛能感受到与艾伦的互动，她貌似就坐在眼前，与读者坦诚的亲切交谈一般。

另外，原作共有57章，章节结构非常有特点，每个章节都是一个独立的主题，与前后章节丝毫没有任何意义上的联系或关联。感觉很像是作者的随笔，想到什么就写什么，每个章节的篇幅都很短小，有时甚至就几句话，或一个清单，比如第七章，整个章节只有一句话：生命的奥秘：甘蓝。第二十七章：我的遗愿清单：1. 买更多的水桶（因为遗愿清单的英文为Bucket List所以要买水桶，这里就是文化差异所造成的理解困难，中国人会不明所以为什么要买水桶） 2：到异国他乡接触不同的民族，文化，社会，花更多时间看探索频道。3：穿更多白色的衣服。4：学会飞。5：建一个独木舟。6：告诉所有我认识的人我造了一艘独木舟。7：去看更多的交响乐，音乐会，歌剧，花更多时间看公共电视网。8：叫更多的人为流氓。9：看某个人跑马拉松。10：学一门外语，比如澳大利亚语和英式英语。。

这本书结构十分新颖独特，在篇幅较长的章节中间突然出现这种简短有趣的章节给人眼前一亮的感觉，更具有幽默感。

第三章 翻译难点与翻译方法

3.1 翻译难点

如上文所述，原文笔风随意，较口语化，多美国日常用语，习语，俗语。因中美文化背景也有很大差异，如果不了解美国的社会状况，文化背景，对原文的理解会有不小的困难。作者在很多地方都“埋伏”很多幽默的小把戏，但是只有在美国文化背景或者英语的语言背景下来能够理解，所以需要译者首先要在了解西方社会文化背景下准确理解原文的意思，又要用中文表达出来，但同时又要尽量保有原文中蕴含的幽默，这是个不小的挑战。

3.2 准备工作

为了更好的完成这次翻译任务，译者做了充分的准备工作，例如翻译过程中需要用到的基本工具用书：《英汉大词典》（陆谷孙先生编著）、《牛津高阶英汉字典》。这些都是很实用的工具书。另外，译前还要反复阅读全文，并且译者查阅了大量关于作者的资料，了解了作者的生平，成长背景，也观看了艾伦主持的节目，了解了作者的性格特点，主持风格，这对于对这本书了理解有很大的帮助。

3.3翻译方法

3.3.1直译与意译

3.3.1.1直译

直译——在忠实原文内容的同时，符合原文的形式。英汉翻译中有很多地方都存在直译，如：

例1：

Beauty is not in the face. Beauty is a light in the heart.1

译：美不在脸上。美重在心里美。

例2：

I’ve believed that true beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human beings, your principles, and your moral compass.2

译：我相信，真正的美，跟你头发和眼睛是什么颜色并没有关系。真正的美应该关乎于你是一个什么样的人，你的做人原则和你的道德准则。

上面两句例句中，原文和译文的意思和结构都相对应，译文包含了原文的所有意思，基本保持了原文表达的形式和内容，没有大的改动，是很典型的直译的例子。直译就是要求对原文不做多大改动，主张译文与原文语序、语气、结构和修辞等一致，保留原意，同时要求翻译过后的译文要语言通顺易通。3

3.3.1.2意译

意译的含义是：打破原文的语言格式，用目的语的习惯表达形式把原文的意义、包含的意思（或者是读者根据自己的理解获得的信息）表现出来。但形式的转变或者再改造还是要遵循原文信息。如果与原文的内容与风格有很大差异，甚至随意发挥，胡乱编写、捏造，就肯定不行了。所以说意译虽然比直译要自由一点，但也是在一定范围内的改动，不能违背原文的意义。4

例3：

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.5

译： 情人眼里出西施。

例4：

And then in 2008 I was finally able to throw all that hogwash out the window because I was named the new face of CoverGirl6.

译：在2008年，我成了一名封面女郎，因此我也不再废话连篇。

在这两句话中，译文很明显在语序和表达方式上做了改动，当然，这样并没有影响原意。用意译的方法，既可以表达出原句的原意，也符合中文的表达方式，使译文地道，通俗易懂。

从上可以看出，我们要根据原文的语境，联系上下文，根据文意和表达的要求决定

选用哪种译法。但是前提都是要忠于原文的内容，然后，在此基础上选择更好的翻译方法，适当的改动，使译文更加通畅，更加符合目的的语和受众在使用语言方面的习惯，这样才是翻译的最终目的。

3.3.2增补法

英语和汉语这两种语言，有着不同的表达方式，正是这一点，要求译者在翻译时既要转换词类，又要适当的增减词量，这其实就是增补法的实质，即：翻译时根据意义上和句法上的需要，合理适当地增加一些词，使原文的思想内容和作者的意图更加通顺地表达出来。当然，这并不是无中生有地随意增词，而是通过增加一些适当的词，将原文中虽没有明确用词语描述，但却隐晦地传达出的意义表达出来。7

例1：

That’s why we have mothers.8

译：这也是因为我们有不同的妈妈。

在此句中，根据前后文的语义关系，作者原句中用了mother的复数形式，定是要表达不同的妈妈的意思。

在结构上英语有时为了简洁，省略掉相同的词语，但是在译成中文时我们会在需要的时候将词语添加出来，以使句子意思更加清楚。

例2：

When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us.9

译：当我们学会接受年龄这个事实时，别人也就能学会接受我们了。

英语用词简练，结构紧凑，所以有时在译成中文时为了充分表达原文的意思，需要在句中进行结构的调整，也必然需要增加一些词来使译文更加通顺。

例3：

And the older we get the more stuff we have because over the years we buy more and more stuff and we never want to let go of anything.10

译：年复一年，随着我们一天一天的变老，我们的东西就会越来越多，但是我们从不把任何有用或者没用的东西丢掉。

在这一句中，作者用了两个and将句子连起来，但是前后句的关系并非是并列关系，

所以，在翻译的时候要加上中文的连接词，这样能更好的表达出原文的原意。

3.3.3顺译法

英语中多长句，顺译法是长句翻译的几本方法，有些长句的叙述层次和汉语比较一致，基本上可按照原文顺序译出。

例1：

If you want to clean out your house and get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring cleaning every year.11

译：如果你想清理你的房子并丢掉一些垃圾，你可以做好每年的春季大扫除。

3.3.4变序法

英语的表达顺序往往和汉语的表达顺序大相径庭，有时若按照英文的顺序翻译则非常困难，并且容易搭配不当。

例1：

If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they

would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying,” Put that thing there so I can crush it.”12

译：如果为了检查所有的地方，一个男人的特殊部位放在了一个工具里，我想在医生说出“把那个东西放在那里，我们要粉碎它”之前，他们会想出新的计划。

这里按照原文翻译为：如果一个男人将他的特殊部位放在了一个夹具里，为了检查他的所有，我想他们会想出新的计划，在医生说出“把那个东西放在那，我们要粉碎它”之前。若将顺序稍微调换一下就会通顺很多。

3.3.5其他翻译方法

量词

中文量词丰富，在翻译时应注意转换和搭配。

例1：

I got some good stuff—three travel irons and a large man’s nightshirt.13

译：我可得到了一些好东西----三个旅行熨斗还有一件肥大的男士睡衣。

中文量词数量十分丰富，有专用名量词，例如：一本词典，一匹马，一尾鱼。专用动量词，包括：次、回、遍、趟、下、顿、番。翻译时应注意转换和搭配。

3.4小结

这一章节主要介绍了译者在翻译过程中所所采取的翻译方法，即直译与意译、增补，顺译法，变序法等其它方法。并从翻译结果中选取了一些例子加以说明这些方法是如何运用到翻译实践中的。只要根据文章需要，灵活选择恰当、适当的翻译法，就能得出比较理想的结果。

第四章 总结

4.1翻译经验

这次的翻译实践让译者意识到，在翻译的过程中，要灵活处理英语句子，选择适当的翻译方法，不能拘泥于一种翻译方法，甚至是生硬地运用一些翻译理论。灵活的处理翻译中遇到的问题，恰当地选择翻译方法是很必要的。而且，对自己翻译的文章的文体要定位准确，比如，这次翻译的是一本随笔杂文性的文章，因此翻译的时候不需要太多的修饰和华丽的辞藻。就是准确、简洁、明了地翻译出原文的信息就可以。当然这要基于对原文的理解之上，要忠于原文的内容，能直译的尽量直译，通过这样方式，将原文信息尽可能多的保留下来。此外，又要在重视的基础之上根据文中具体情况及作者的意图有针对性地选择翻译方法，对原文进行修整，让原文更加通顺，进而更加符合目的语语言的表达习惯。在此过程中，译者收获很大：能更熟练的使用翻译方法，提高了自己的翻译了技巧。

当然，翻译方法和翻译技巧的提高不是短时间就能做到的，这次只是一个很小很小的进步，译者很清楚，这种提高是要经过不断地练习，不断的实践，日积月累，才能逐步做到的。因此译者在以后会更加努力，特别是从以下几个方面入手：夯实基础，扩大词汇量，增加翻译实践，总结翻译经验。译者相信，只要努力，就会有进步。

4.2翻译教训

着手翻译这本书后，译者才知道，什么叫做书到用时方恨少。现在所学的东西，能真正运用的，其实远远不够。翻译是需要细心研究的学问，不得有一点含糊。只有一步一个脚印，踏踏实实的学习，夯实基础，才是王道。

4.3仍待解决的问题

虽然已完成本翻译项目，但译者本身水平有限，很多地方翻译的不是很通顺，词语选择也不恰当，语言不是很生动，无法再现原作者的风格，也无法完全展示出作者在文中蕴含的很多小幽默，很多的问题还未解决，比如在一章节中的Penélope Cruz译者仍不

知道什么意思，无法进行翻译。再如在一章中的“Have you seen those surgery shows on Discovery?”,译者仍不知道这句话上下文中是什么作用。所以，不足之处太多，需要不停得学习。

注释

1

2

3 Ellen Lee DeGeneres, seriously,I’ m kidding (New york: Grand central 2012), 5. Ibid.. 张振久，孙建民：《英汉互译简明教程》，北京：外语教学与研究出版社，2009,第118页。

4 姜倩，何刚强： 《翻译概论》，上海:上海外语教育出版社，2008，第35页。

Ellen Lee DeGeneres, 5

Ibid.. 5 6

7 姜倩，何刚强，第40页。

Ibid., 6

Ibid., 7

Ibid., 8 8 9 10

11 Ibid..

Ibid., 10

Ibid..

12 13

参考文献

Breidlid, Anders. American Culture. London: Routledge, 2007.

Baker, Mona. In Other Words: A Coursebook on Translation. London: Routledge, 1992.

Dank, J. S, G. Fountain, S, & Mc. Beath. .Cognitive progress in Translation and Interpreting,

London: SAGE Publications,1997.

Jonathan Crowther. Oxford Guide to British and American Culture.New York: Oxford University Press,2005.

Martha Tennent..training for the New Millennium: Pedagogies for translation and Interpreting. New York: John Benjamins Publishing Company,2005.

Phyllis Zatlin.Theatrical Translation and Film Adaptation. A practitioner’s View. Toronto:

Multilingual Matters LTD,2005.

Ellen Lee DeGeneres, seriously,I’ m kidding .New york: Grand central,2012.

黄源深，张春柏《英语笔译实务》北京：外文出版社，2012。

姜倩，何刚强 《翻译概论》上海:上海外语教育出版社，2008。

吴春梅，魏家海，张万方《翻译研究概论》北京：外语教学与研究出版社，2009。 张振久，孙建民《英汉互译简明教程》北京：外语教学与研究出版社，2009。

附录1 原文

Chapter1

Beauty is in the eye of beholder.

Beauty is only skin deep.

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.

Throughout my entire life, I have believed in these sentiments. I’ve believed that true beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, and your moral compass. And then in 2008 I was finally able to throw all that hogwash out the window because I was named the new face of Cover Girl. Cosmetics! Take a bite out of that, world! Check out these cheekbones! I’m a beauty queen! (This is where flashbulbs go off and I turn my head from side to side, posing like a supermodel. It was apparently “too expensive” and “not possible” to put mini light bulbs in every book, so you’re just gonna have to imagine it. I’m sorry.)

The truth is, I still believe that above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside—to have a big heart and an open mind and a spectacular spleen. (Actually, most people’s insides are disgusting. Even pretty people have very unattractive insides. Have you ever seen those surgery shows on Discovery? Not pretty.)

To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are. I’m happy being who I am. I’m confident, I live honestly and truthfully, and I think that’s why I was chosen as the first fifty-year-old, openly gay Cover Girl. It’s just a bonus that I have devastatingly blue eyes.

But we really have a society that focuses on so much appearance. I realized this recently when I accidentally looked into one of those mirrors magnify your face to five hundred times its actual size. They sell them at Bed Bath & Beyond in the “Things That Make You Feel Bad About Yourself” aisle. They’re right next to the bathroom scales, usually on a shelf you’re too short to reach. I’m sure you’ve all looked into one of them at some point. On one side, it’s a totally normal mirror. And then if you turn it over to the other side, your face looks like the surface of the moon.

Portia and I have one in our shower. I never look in it because it’s usually blocked by the person who washes me. But for some reason I looked in it one day and, oh Lordy that is a horrible invention! Who invented that thing and why haven’t they been jailed? Those things

need to come with a warning. Car mirrors have warnings that say, “Objects are closer than they appear.” Magnification mirrors should have warnings that say, “Objects are not as attractive as they appear.”

They show you things you didn’t know were there, that no one can possibly see. I looked at my hairline and I found a family of doves living in it. It wad shocking. The only people who need to see things that close up are surgeons who are performing delicate operations ad jewelers. That’s it. No one id gonna see you the way you see yourself in those mirrors unless you’re married to a surgeon or a jeweler and they come home from work still wearing that apparatus. “Honey, I’m home. Oh my goodness, your pores are huge!”

I don’t know why we ever need to look into those. They’re not accurate. They point out every single one of our flaws. We don’t need that. That’s why we have mothers. The fact of the matter is that everyone has flaws. No one is perfect, except for Penélope Cruz. Our flaws are what make us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don’t even have to be an issue.

I feel the same way about age. I’ve never been someone to lie about my age. I don’t understand it. Actually, I don’t know how people can lie about their age anymore now that the Internet exists. Not only can people easily find out what year I was born, they can find out what time, what hospital, how long my mother was in labor. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was footage on YouTube of the doctor spanking me. The only reason there isn’t is because YouTube didn’t exist when I was born.

Our age is something we have absolutely no control over; it’s just a fact of who we are. I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day. I’m happy, for example, that I no longer eat paste, like I did when I was twenty-four. And I’m happy that in a few years I’ll be able to get half-price tickets to movies and museums. Considering how often I go to the movies and museums, I could save upward of thirty dollars a year.

When we were kids, all we wanted was to be older .When we were seven and a half and someone said we were only seven, we were furious. We probably even cried bout it. Can you imagine doing that now as an adult? “This is Marsha. She’s forty-two.” “Forty-two and a half! You always forget the half! I’m practically forty-two and three-

quarters!” I don’t know at what age people stop wanting to be older. People seem to enjoy their twenties and thirties. It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that

means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.

People seem to be shy about their age through their fifties and sixties, but then once they hit seventy or eighty, they start telling people again because it’s such a huge

victory to have made it that far. No one gets to one hundred and tells people they’re only ninety-five. So I don’t know why anyone has to lie about those middle years. We should celebrate every year that we made it through and every year that we’re happier and healthier. Because honestly, that’s the best-case scenario. And the bottom line is we are who we are—we look a certain way, we talk a certain way, we walk a certain way. I strut because I’m a supermodel, and sometimes I gallop for fun. When we learn to accept that, other people learn to accept us. So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

I know it seems easy and breezy for me to say, but trust me—it’s okay to be you. If you had called me fifteen years ago and told me I was going to end up being a Cover Girl, I would have said,” No way” and “How’d you get this number?” But look at me now. I’m totally myself and I’m an internationally known, widely sought after supermodel. I even went to Paris one time.

Chapter 2

I don’t like clutter. I firmly believe that there is a place for everything and everything should be in its place.And I know there’s a name for people like me: neat.

It is astounding to me how much stuff we all have. Our closets are full of stuff. Our drawers are full of stuff. Our stuff is piled on top of other stuff. And the older we get the more stuff we have because over the years we buy more and more stuff and we never want to let go of anything. Nowadays people are a little more aware of how much stuff

they have because there’s a bit of a social stigma if you have too much stuff. There’s even a name for the people who have the most stuff. They’re called hoarders. Back in

the day they were just called grandmothers.

If you want to clean out your house and get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring cleaning every year. Or you can do what I do. Move. I move a lot. I’ve moved about ten times over the past fifteen years. I don’t move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I’m not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows. “Is that a smudge? Time to pack it up. Let’s go.”

When you’re packing up a house, you’re forced to decide what you really need versus what you can get rid of. You might have been holding on to cases and cases of empty glass jars, but once you have to pack them up and move them, you realize maybe you’re not going to harvest your own honey.

My mama is similar to me in that she also likes to move a lot. Mama has moved thirty-two times since 1952. It’s so funny because I remember sometimes I would come home from school and there would be a note on the door that said, “I moved. Try and find me!” And I would spend hours and hours trying to find the new house. Sometimes I would find it by nightfall but sometimes I wouldn’t. Actually this is really funny—one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved. I was living in the house with a beautiful Mexican family for about three months before I realized they weren’t my cousins visiting from out of town. They were so nice. They called me “Quien es, quien es,” which I thought was a beautiful name.

Anyway, my mama might be similar to me as far as moving around goes, but as far as clutter is concerned she’s a little different. When she moved into the house she lives in now (I

think she’s gonna stay there for a while—they say the thirty-second time is the charm), she made it a point to tell me how excited she was because she was going to

downsize. She was getting rid of all the stuff she didn’t need anymore and starting fresh in her new house. I was so proud of her. I went over to help her settle in and I assumed when I got there I wouldn’t have to unpack much more than a pillow and a spoon. Not so.

Let me share with you all of the items Betty “I Am Downsizing” DeGeneres asked movers to wrap up, place in a box, seal up in the box, put in a van, and move into a

whole new house so that I could cut open the box, take out the items, and unwrap them:

1. A three-hole punch.

2. A single-hole punch.

3. A VHS tape of Abs of Steel.

4. An unopened VHS tape of Hip Hop Abs.

5. A harmonica.

6. Another harmonica.

7. A third harmonica.

8. A rusty sifter.

9. A colander from 1953.

10. Biscuit cutters.

Many of those items have moved thirty-two times. And I should point a few things out. First of all, Mama moved into that house in 2010 not 1987, as the VHS tapes would have you believe. Second of all, Mama is not in a blues band. She doesn’t play the harmonica and even if she did, the ones I found in that box looked like they had been dug up next to some train tracks. If Mama put her mouth anywhere near them I would immediately take her for a tetanus shot. Thirdly, Mama does not cook or bake or prepare food in any way. I don’t know what sort of imaginary biscuits she thinks she’s going to cut.

I could not believe how much stuff my mama still had, but it’s because we all justify holding on to things. We do this especially with clothing. We all have so many things in our closets that we never wear but we convince ourselves to keep just in case we ever need to paint. We don’t paint, we won’t paint, but we have dozens of old Wham! T-shirts just in case.

A lot of people hold on to clothing just for the sentimental value. They say, “I can’t get rid of this jacket. I love it. I wore it on my first cruise.” Of course you love it. You bought it. But it doesn’t fit you anymore and the shoulder pads make you look like a 1980s football player who

loved the color salmon.

I’m guilty of it, too. I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

We’re always worried that we’re going to get rid of something and then it’s going to come back in fashion. But even if it does—and I assure you that paisley jumpsuit you’ve been holding on to won’t—they always make a tiny tweak so that it’s a little bit different so we have to buy the updated version.

One year, big collars are in and the next year they make collars an eighth of an inch shorter. So we go out and buy the collar that’s an eighth of an inch shorter because heaven forbid someone sees us walking around town with last year’s collar. As if strangers on the street are going to come up to us and measure our collars. “Oh no. She’s wearing last year’s collar, everyone! She’s wearing last year’s collar!”

It’s not just clothing we hold on to. It’s old electronics and old furniture and I’ll tell you one thing I recently discovered in my own home—lotion. Portia hoards lotion. I don’t know how it took me so long to notice but she has bottles and bottles of lotion. There are some lined up on the counter, some in baskets under the sink. She has cheap ones from drugstores and real fancy ones from the Sheraton and the Holiday Inn.

confused and start clapping?

Each kind says it has something special in it for your skin —aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That’s not lotion. That’s one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.

Don’t get me wrong. I like lotion. I use a moisturizer on my face. I have to—it’s my moneymaker. And I like to use hand lotion. I shake a lot of hands and I want people to experience my suppleness. But hand lotion is tricky. You have to know exactly how much to put on. You don’t want to overdo it. Portia once put too much on and got stuck in the bathroom for an hour trying to turn the doorknob. Then I had to remind her we have a door that slides.

My point is everyone who has buckets and buckets of lotion should get rid of all the lotion they don’t use anymore. And by everyone I do mean Portia. Or at least she should think about combining all the half bottles into one giant bottle so we can get rid of some stuff and she can smell like a baby eating a cucumber in an orange grove. I hope she reads this.

I really do think it’s important to let go of things and give things away, to de clutter and get out from under that pile of papers and old cereal boxes and harmonicas. It’s cathartic. It’s freeing.

Plus you can get good money for some stuff one Bay. A “vintage” colander goes for just under $3.50. Mama’s gonna be rich!

Chapter 3

I spend a lot of time exploring my body. Hang on, that doesn’t sound quite right. What I mean to say is, I like to constantly be in touch with my own body. Okay, that’s not right, either. My body is a wonderland. I don’t even know why I just said that.

What I’m trying to say is that as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to pay closer attention to my body and to my physical well-being. I think we all have to do that as we get older. We have to check ourselves out, literally, to make sure nothing has appeared or disappeared or grown or shrunk or tightened or loosened or sagged or ulcered or bulged or inflamed. I really hope you’re not eating.

Once we hit forty and fifty years old, our bodies go through a lot of changes. Even if we’re in really good shape (read: I have buns of steel) things start to slow down. Our

metabolism slows down, our reflexes slow down, sometimes we become slightly more forgetful. I don’t want to alarm anyone who isn’t there yet, but you should know that a day will come when you leave your keys in the freezer and try to start your car with a bagel. You should also know that studies have shown that after age fifty there is a 97

percent chance you will pull your groin while putting on a bathing suit. It’s a proven fact. You can do the research on your own time.

I actually pulled my groin once a few years ago. I don’t even know how I did it. All I know is when it happened I was right in the middle of auditioning for the Rockettes and it ruined everything. The problem with pulling your groin, besides pulling your groin, is that there isn’t a delicate way to treat it. Whenever I pull a muscle in my back, I get a massage to make it feel better. When you pull a muscle in your groinal region, it’s much trickier. You can’t ask a stranger to massage it. That’s why I had to ask my gardener to do it. And I’ll be honest—at first it was awkward. But then it was beautiful.

We have to take care of ourselves as we age and that includes getting procedures done that are invasive, uncomfortable, and at times what many would refer to as “third date territory.” One of those procedures is a colonoscopy. I had my first routine colonoscopy after I turned fifty. I’m sure you all know what it entails, but if you don’t I’ll explain it as best I can. Basically, a colonoscopy is a procedure where a camera starts downtown and travels uptown on the C train. In Los Angeles, they do it a little bit

differently. They attach cameras to teeny, tiny paparazzi who head up there and take

thousands of pictures of your colon that later end up on TMZ.

I didn’t know exactly what to expect when I went in for my colonoscopy. First of all, because of my work schedule, I had to get mine done on a Saturday. Luckily, there’s a little kiosk in the mall that does colonoscopies and ear piercing on the weekends.

The first thing I had to do when I got there was put on a gown. I think it was a Zac Posen. I don’t normally wear gowns, but this was a beautiful one—open in the back and

slightly off the shoulder. They made me take everything off except my socks. I guess they let you keep those on so that you don’t feel totally naked. As it turns out, even with socks on you still feel totally and completely naked. I don’t know what they’re thinking. Socks or no socks, all the important parts are still out and about.

After I was in my gown and socks, the doctor came in and greeted me. She was also wearing a gown so I tried to make a joke like, “Hey, isn’t it embarrassing that we’re

wearing the same gown?” She laughed but she was holding a needle at the time, so it suddenly felt like a scenefrom Misery. Right away she started to give me sleepy-time drugs. That’s the medical term. And all I remember after the sleepy-time drugs is saying, “I gotta get—” and that’s it. I was out for the rest of the procedure. When you wake up, it’s a little disorienting. You’re not sure where you are. Katie Couric is there with a film crew. It’s jarring. But it’s necessary and I’m glad I did it.

Another routine procedure that every woman needs to get is a mammogram. Now, the word “mammogram” makes it sound like it’s going to be a fun experience. You think a cute little grandma is going to show up at your door to sing you a happy birthday song or something. Unfortunately, that is not the case. A mammogram is less like a fun song and more like an industrial-strength Panini press.

The difference between a colonoscopy and a mammogram—well, there are a few differences obviously. One takes place above the equator and one takes place below it. But the other difference is that with a mammogram you are fully aware of what is going on. You don’t need any drugs to knock you out because it’s not a painful procedure.

It’s just uncomfortable and awkward, especially given the fact that you are standing face to face with the technician working the machine. At least, it’s awkward for me anyway because inevitably I have to make small talk. “Yep, I do dance a lot… No, not all the time… Well, I’m a big fan of your mom, so thank you, that’s nice to hear.”

I cannot believe they haven’t yet come up with a better screening process than the

mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, “Put that thing there so I can crush it.”

I’m getting away from my point. My point is, these tests are very important. And I don’t mind telling you all about my groin, my colon, and my breasts if it means helping you take care of yourself. I just thought of something else I could share with you. Would you like to hear about one of my moles? No. Okay. Moving on.

附录2 译文

第一章

情人眼里出西施。

美不在脸上，重在心里美。

在我的大半生里，我一直相信，真正的美，跟你的头发和眼睛是什么颜色并没有关系。而真正的美关乎于你是一个什么样的人，你的做人原则和你的道德准则。在2008年，我终于成功的戒掉了说废话的毛病，因为我有了新的称号——封面女郎。闪光灯下，化妆品，各种饰品，通通都闪开！素颜脸颊，我就是第一美女！（闪光灯下，我的头从一侧偏向另一侧，就这样摆着姿势，像极了超级名模。在这么“贵重”而又“不可思译”的书中，只放了一张迷你版的图片，其余的需要大家想象了，对此我深感抱歉！

事实上，我觉得所有超越于物质之上的东西，最重要的还是内在美——一颗包容的心，一个开拓的思维，还有一个健康的身体。（事实上，大多数人的内心世界是非常不堪的，即使那些长的非常漂亮的人，他的内心也有可能是非常丑陋的。你看过探索频道里的外科手术嘛？真的不怎么样！）

我认为，当别人知道了你是怎样的人，自己能有舒服的感觉时，这就是美。我很庆幸成为现在这样自信、诚实、真诚的自己。我成为了第一个五十岁的封面女郎，或许正是因为这些品质，我才有了这样的成就。或许，这也是我蓝色深邃眼神所的带来的殊荣。

但是我们处在一个物欲横流的社会中，大家的注意力几乎都集中在了外表。偶然的一次，我看到了一面镜子，它可以将你的脸放大五百倍。在卫浴用具的批发市场的走廊上有很多这样的镜子，走过那里，它们会让你有自己很糟糕的感觉。我相信，在某种程度上，或者某一方面，你已经有了那种站在镜子面前的糟糕感了。另外，还有一种看似普通的镜子，当你把它反过来看到镜中的自己时，你会发现你的脸像月球表面一样粗糙。

在我和波西亚的浴室里有一面这样的镜子，但是我从来不看它。因为它通常照到的人都是正在洗澡的我。一天，我迫不得已看到了镜中的自己，我惊呼到：“哦，天呐，多么恐怖的作品，是谁创作了她？为什么他没有被抓紧看守所？像这样恐怖作品出世之前应该有所提醒的。”比如汽车的反光镜会提醒到：随后的车子比镜中离你更近。放大镜会提醒到：“物体并不像原状那样完美有吸引力。”

别人在你眼前展示的东西，其实你并不知道它过去是什么样子，也永远不可能知道。

透过我的发际线，我发现一些令人吃惊的鸽派式家庭。他们都是很棒的操纵者和珠宝商，我想唯一可以近距离接近他们的只有外科医生了。就像这样，没有人会看到镜中的你，除非你嫁给了一个外科医生或者珠宝商，他们会带着那些观察工具回到家：“亲爱的，我回来了。哦天哪，你的毛孔好大啊。”

我不知道为什么大家会在意别人的评论，况且别人说的也都不是正确的。虽然他们会指出我们每个人的缺点，但是没有一个人是完美的，当然除了佩内洛普·科鲁兹。正是因为这些缺点，才使我们每个人各有千秋。如果我们每个人都能够很坦然的接受自身的缺点，那么缺点就不会再是一个令人烦恼的难题。

对于年龄的问题，我也是抱着同样的态度面对的。我从来没有对谁隐瞒过我的年龄，也很不解为什么要隐瞒自己的年龄。实际上，让我更不解的是，在互联网这么发达的时代，人们是怎样一次又一次的隐瞒他们的真实年龄的呢？出生地、生辰、或者母亲在哪家医院用了多长时间生下了我，这些都可以轻松在网上找到。如果某一天，在某个视频网站上出现了我刚刚出生时，医生拍打着我的视频，我一点儿也不会惊讶。但是有个问题，就是，我出生的年代里还没有视频网站这东西。

年龄是一个我们完全无法控制的事实。我喜欢随着年龄的增长，每天在错误中学习，然后变得越来越睿智。比如，在我四十二岁的时候，我经常会吃到浆糊，但是现在就不会了；同样令我开心的是，在以后的日子里，我可以买半价票去看电影或者去博物馆了，这样一年下来，作为常客的我可以节省三十美元呢。

孩童时期，我们总是希望长大。本来我们已经七岁半了，可大人们却总是说我们只有七岁，我们也会因此抓狂，或者嚎啕大哭。但是，当一个成年人遇到类似的情况会怎样呢？有这样一个人，你向别人介绍她时说：“这位是玛莎，今年四十二岁。”她会立刻打断你，说道：“我今年四十二岁半，你总是忘掉那半岁！实际上，我已经过完了四十二岁的三个季度了。”我实在不知道什么年龄段的人会期待年龄不再增加。貌似人们更多的喜欢二三十岁，所以，当你说你已经过了“最美好的时光”时，你一定是四十岁左右的人。然而我实在不明白，走过了人生的顶峰时代，到了四十岁，这有什么不好的呢。就像徒步旅行时，当我翻过山顶时，意味着我已经渡过了最艰难的时期，而且还有一个很美好的未来等着我，这是一件多么美好的事情啊。

貌似五六十岁的人很羞于他们的年龄，等到了七八十岁时，他们又可以很骄傲的告

诉别人他们的年龄，因为在他们的眼中，活到七八十岁是他们一生中最大的胜利。我想，没有一位百年老人会告诉别人他只有五十岁吧。而一些中年人很羞于他们的年龄，这使我很不解。我们应该庆幸自己度过了一个又一个年头，而且越来越健康、快乐。实际上，这是最好的生活状态。当然我们每个人都有自己的原则和底线，比如我们有自己的生活方式，有自己的讲话风格，还有自己的目标和人生轨迹，总之就是要做自己。成为超模后，我开始学着快步行走，但是有时候只是为了好玩。所以当我们开始接受别人时，别人也在试着接受着我们。请拥抱自己，拥抱那个最真实的自己，接受那个最真实的自己。除非你是个连环杀手才不愿意这样做。

说起来容易做起来难，大家看来我做的很轻松简单；请相信我，对于你，也是一样的！

第二章

我是个很不喜欢杂乱无章的人，而且我一直相信，每样物品都有属于它自己的位置。像我一样有这样习惯的人都会时刻深记一个词：干净利索。

日常生活中，我们拥有的东西会多的令人吃惊。比如一些东西又堆放在另一些东西上面。随着年龄的增长我们的东西会越来越多，因为日复一日，我们会是始终的往回买东西，但我们从不会扔掉东西。如今，貌似人们开始注意到自己东西的多少了，因为，如果你堆积了太多的东西，社会中会有一些不好的词来形容你。甚至你还会有固定的称呼，比如囤积者。但是以前的年代里，这些囤积者只是会被称为老奶奶。

如果你想整理屋子来摆脱掉一些不用的东西，我建议你可以做好每个春季的大扫除。或者，像我一样，搬家。我搬过很多次家，而且在过去的25年里我差不多搬了有十次。我不仅只为了丢掉我想丢掉的东西，我还没有清洗过任何一个窗口，我没有疯。有人会问：“那不会有污点吗？”我想说：时间会将它们带走的。我们搬家吧。

当你收拾房子时，你不得不对你真正需要的东西和你用不到的东西做出决定。你可能还存有病例和空瓶罐之类的东西，一旦你把这些没用的东西都打包挪走，你会发现你拥有很多有用的宝贝。

我跟我妈妈一样，喜欢搬家。从1952年到现在，我妈妈已经搬过32次家了。很有意思的是，有时候我放学回家，发现家门上贴着留言条，写着，“我搬家了，来找我吧！”然后我会花上几个小时来寻找我的新家。有时候我会找到晚上，有的时候不会。还有一件很好玩的事——有一次我妈忘记在门上留便条，而且我对她搬家的事一点儿都不知道。后来，当我意识到再没有亲戚来这个镇上看我们时，已经过去三个月了，在这期间，我一直住在一个墨西哥的家庭里，他家很漂亮，人也非常和善，他们都叫我“那谁，那谁。”当然我一直都认为这是一个很好的名字。

虽然我和妈妈在搬家上非常相似，但在对待杂物处理还是有些不同的。她要搬进她现在的居住的那个房子时，她非常激动的告诉我，她要搬进一个稍小的房子里，对此她表示很兴奋。她说她会丢掉所有不再需要的东西，然后使她新家的样子焕然一新！当时我真的为她高兴。我准备去帮她安顿下来，我心里想：到了那儿我就不用再打包任何汤勺类琐碎的东西了。然而，到了那之后才发现，和我猜想的完全不一样！

我来跟大家分享一下我妈妈的打包单，贝蒂所谓的物品裁员就是要求搬家公司把所有的东西都放在一个大箱子里面，还必须是一个封闭的箱子，然后这样方便搬进新房里，

也防止我往外拿东西。

1． 一个钢铁穿孔。

2． 一个单孔穿孔。

3． 一个VHS的磁带。

4． 一个未开封的VHS嘻哈ABS。

5. 一个口琴。

6. 还有一个口琴。

7. 还有另一个口琴。

8. 一个生锈的筛子。

9. 1953的滤器。

10. 饼干刀具。

就这些东西仅仅是搬家时的三分之二。我想有些事情我需要强调一下。第一，我妈妈搬进现在的那个家是在2010年，而不是在1987年，所以你应该了解了VHS的悠久了。还有就是，我妈妈并不是布鲁士乐队的一员。她也从不玩口琴，即便是以前玩，现在那个口琴看起来就像从某个铁轨旁捡的一样，如果妈妈总是在那个像捡来的东西上面吹的话，我想我会立刻带她去打破伤风。另外，妈妈从不做饭或烘烤类的食物，我真的不知道在她的脑海里什么样的饼干需要切割。

我实在不能够想象我妈妈还储存着多少没用的东西，但是那些都可以证明我们拥有过的东西。比如对于衣物，我们总是特殊对待。我们的橱柜里总是堆满了许多我们不再穿的衣服，而且我们总是劝自己把这些不穿的衣物堆放在自己曾经想要粉刷的柜子里面。这样我们就不会去粉刷，而且我们也不再打算粉刷，但是那里会堆满一打又一打的衣物！其中T恤就在里面。

许多人保存衣物只是为了某些回忆。他们说，“我舍不得丢掉这件夹克，在我第一次巡航时穿的就是它，我非常喜欢它。”你当然喜欢它，否则你就不会花钱去买它。但是，现在它不再适合你，那个垫肩会使你看起来像1980年喜欢穿浅橙色衣服的运动员。 对此，我也表示很惭愧。因为我也保留着我第一次上约翰卡森时穿的衣服。但是现在，它只是我晚餐的一部分，我把它用做了桌布。现在的它污迹斑斑。

我们也总是担心丢掉的东西，不久的将来又会流行起来。即便是这样——我敢保证，以前的连衣裤——即便它非常的漂亮，只是与新流行的款式有一点点的不同，你还是会

再去买那款新流行的连衣裤。

有一年，大领子衣服打入流行行列，但是下一年新款时装的领子只比前一年的小了八分之一。但是，为了赶上潮流，不让别人看到我们还是去年的大领衣服，就会去买那新款。就好像街上的陌生人会用尺子来测量我们的领子一样。然后还会说：“哦天哪。她还在穿着去年的款式，大家快来看，她还在穿着去年的款式！”

我们不仅仅对于衣物是这样。对于老的电子产品和老式家具也是这样。这正是我要说的，最近，我发现了家里有许多波西亚优质润肤露。我不知道我是用了多久找到它的，因为我妈妈有太多瓶润肤露。一些排列在柜子上，一些在水池底下。里面有药店里买的便宜货，也有从喜来登和梦寐以求的假日酒店里拿的。

我妈有许多不同用处的润肤露——有洗脸用的，有洗手用的，有洗脚用的，还有爽身乳。为什么会这么多？如果把护手霜涂在了脚上，会发生什么？难道脚掌就会困惑或者开始鼓掌吗？每一种都有不同的成分在里面——芦荟、乳木果、椰子、可可黄油、香草、柠檬中提取的精华液。我想那不应叫润肤露，而是叫含有某种成分的蛋糕。

请不要误会我。我还是蛮喜欢乳液的。最近我在用一种保湿产品来保护我的皮肤。我不得不用它，因为它可以帮助我挣很多钱。当然我也喜欢护手霜。因为我会跟很多人握手，我希望他们能感觉到我的手是柔滑的。但是用护手霜很麻烦。如果你不想涂过多在你的手上，你就不得不要精确的掌握涂抹量。波西亚有一次涂了太多的护手霜，因为手太滑，开卫生间的门时，拧了一个小时的门把手。后来每次我不得不提醒她少涂一些，因为我们有一个很滑的门把手。

我觉得每个人都该把那一瓶瓶不再用的乳液丢掉。我的意思是，我们每个人都不要做波西亚。或者可以想象一下，把所有半瓶的液体倒进一个巨大的罐子里面，闻起来像婴儿在橙子园里吃黄瓜一样，感觉并不怎么好。我很希望波西亚可以读到这篇文章。 我一直都认为，整理然后丢掉那些旧的报纸、旧麦片盒子和口琴是件很有必要的事情。就像吃了泻药一样是释放自己肠胃。另外你还可以卖一些东西丰收一笔钱。比如古董级别的滤器卖价仅低于3.5美元，我想我妈可以发财了。

第三章

我经常研究自己的身体，虽然这听起来有点奇怪，但我还是会坚持这样做。我时常会抚摸来检查自己的身体。虽然我知道这样做也有点奇怪，但我觉得我的身体很奇妙，我也不知道为什么会有那样的感觉。

我想说的是，随着年龄的增加，我开始非常注意我的身体和健康状况。我觉得那是我们成长过程中必做的一件事。我们必须检查自己的身体有什么变化，有什么出或消失，有什么增长或缩小，有什么肿胀或者发炎之类的。我真心希望大家没有出现这些。 人一旦到了四五十岁，身体就会有很大的变化。即使我们觉得自己很健康，但还是有很多方面都在下降。我们的新陈代谢减慢，反应速度变慢，甚至有时我们会变得很健忘。我并不是在警告还没有出现这些症状的人，只是大家应该知道，每个人都会有离开家时把钥匙忘在了冰箱上面，然后试着打开车厢的时候。你也应该知道，已有研究表明，在五十岁的人群中，有百分之九十七的人穿上泳衣后会出现腹股沟。这是一个已被证明的事实。当然你可以自己调查证明一下。

多年以前我发现，我确实有了腹股沟。我也不知道它是怎么出现的。我只知道，我是在参加火箭剧组的试镜表演时发现的，它使我丢掉了机会。关键是除了拉伸腹股沟，没有其它办法可以治好它。每次后背肌肉拉伤去做按摩时，我觉得那是最舒服的时候。这也是为什么我总是拉着我妈去做按摩的原因。不过说实话，刚开始时确实很痛苦，但是过后你会觉得很舒服。

我们这个年龄段的人，必须要照顾好自己，这个照顾过程当然也包括检查管入侵身体时的不舒服。许多人称这个过程为“第三次约会领域。”其中的一个过程就是做结肠镜检查。我第一次做结肠检查是在五十岁以后。我相信我不详细讲述这个过程，大家也知道它是怎么一回事，但如果你不知道的话，我会尽可能的讲给你听。主要来说，结肠镜检查就像一个拍摄过程，一个摄像头从市区开始，乘着C火车到达住宅区。在洛杉矶的话有些不同，那里的医生会拿着很小的相机，像狗仔在你的头上拍照一样，最后将一张一张小照片在TMZ上面呈现出来。

当我进去做场镜检查时，我真的不知道到底会发生什么。所以我第一时间用周六的一天完成了我工作上的事。很幸运的是，在一个大商场里面有一个结肠检查的地方，而且这里双休日还可以扎耳洞。

当我到那的第一件事是穿上了一个长袍子。我认为我像一个睡美人。通常我并不穿礼

服，但这次是一个美丽的开始——敞开长袍，慢慢滑落肩膀。他们让我脱掉所有的衣服除了袜子。我猜他们没有让你脱袜子是想让你感觉到你并不是全裸。我不知道他们在想什么。虽然袜子穿着，但关键部位还都暴露着。

我穿上长袍和袜子后，一个医生走进来并问候我。她也穿了一件一样的长袍，我开玩笑说，“嗨，我们穿着一样的长袍需要来个拥抱吗？”她哈哈大笑但同时手里又拿了一只针，这场景让我觉得一下子就进入到了惊悚片中。不一会儿，她就给我注射了药物。接下来我只知道注射了药物后，我说，“我去过——”然后就只有这些了。我不知道后面的过程是怎样。当你醒过来的时候你会觉得有点晕。你不确定自己在哪里。或许是凯蒂·库里克的摄制组在那里拍戏。虽然不太可能，但我希望是那样的。

每个女人都需要做的另一个检查就是乳房X光检查。“乳房X光检查”听起来像是一件很有趣的事情一样。就好像一个可爱的老奶奶突然出现在你的门前给你唱生日歌或者送你一些其他东西一样。很遗憾的是，事实并非如此。乳房x光检查并不像一首有趣的歌曲,而更像是一种工业级别的帕尼尼的压力。

很显而易见的是，结肠镜检查和乳房X光有很多不同。就好像一个发生在赤道，另一个发生在赤道的下面。乳房X光检查和结肠镜检查不一样的是，你完全知道检查是怎样进行的。而且还不需要药物来麻醉你，因为它根本就不痛苦，只是当你面对技术员操作着机器站着的时候会有些不舒服和尴尬。至少，对我来说是很尴尬的，因为我不得不告诉他：“是的，我经常跳舞，但不会总是跳。我还是你妈妈的超级粉丝，谢谢你聆听。” 我一直都不相信，还没有发明出一个比乳房X光检查更好的筛选过程。如果把男人的特殊零件在机器间来回测试，我想他们会在医生结束检查前做好一个决定，“把东西放那吧，以便我可以来粉碎它。”

我想我正在偏题。我的观点是，这些测试真的很重要。如果它们能帮助你照顾自己的话，我不介意告诉你我的腹股沟，我的结肠和我的胸测情况。我只是想能和你多分享一些东西。你会听有关一颗痣的故事吗？不会。好吧，我们继续讲其它的。