英语幽默100个(4)

英语幽默100个（4）

100 English Humours

31. A Girl Not Included

Tom saw an advertisement in a newspaper for a beautiful, modern bicycle which cost ￡54. 99, so he went to the shop which had put the advertisement in and asked to see one of their wonderful bicycles.

The shopkeeper was very happy to show one to Tom, who examined carefully and turned into the shop, saying, “There isn’t a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement.

“Yes, sir,” answered the shopkeeper, “but the lamp isn’t included in the price of the bicycle. It’s an extra.”

“Not included in the price of the bicycle?” Tom said angrily. “But that’s not honest. If the lamp is in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price you gave there.”

“Well, sir,” answered the shopkeeper calmly, “there is a girl on the bicycle in our advertisement, but we don’t supply one of them with the bicycle either.”

32. A Brave Boy

Johnny was nine years old, and he was a very naughty boy, but his mother always hoped that he would behave better. Then one day, after he had come home from school, Johnny’s teacher called his mother on the phone and said, “Did you know, Mrs. Perkins, that Johnny saved a boy when he fell into the river while we were out for a walk this morning?”

Mr. Perkins was very happy when she heard this. She thought, “Johnny is becoming a good boy.” Then she turned to him and said, “That was your teacher. Why didn’t you tell me you had been such a brave boy and saved one of your friends when he fell into the river this morning?”

But Johnny did not look very happy when he heard this. His face became very red, and he said, “Well, I really had to pull him out because I pushed him in.”

33. Jim at Sea

Jim worked as a cabin-boy on a small steamer. One morning he broke a coffeepot and threw it into the sea. When he brought in breakfast for the captain, he said, “May I ask you a question, sir?” “Of course, you may,” said the captain, “What is it?”

“Is it a thing lost if you know where it is?” said Jim.

“Of course it isn’t,” said the captain.

“Then your coffee-pot isn't lost, sir, because I know where it is,” said Jim with a smile. “Where is it?” asked the captain.

“At the bottom of the sea.” said Jim.

34. You Are the Fifth

A man saw a fisherman standing in the lake with a mirror. “Excuse me,” he said. “What are you doing?”

“Fishing,” the fisherman replied.

“With a mirror?” the man asked, surprise.

“Sure-it’s a new invention. I am going to make a fortune.”

“Could you tell how it works?”

“Okay, but is will cost you $10.”

To satisfy his curiousity, the man handed the fisherman the money. “Now show me how it works,” he said.

“Well,” the fisherman began, “you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab it.”

The man was greatly surprised. “Don't tell me that how you fish. It's ridiculous! How many have you caught?”

“You are the fifth today!” replied the fisherman with a smile.

35. A Smart Horse

A cowboy fell off his horse and broke his leg on his way out on the prairie. The steed grabbed his master’s belt in his teeth, carried him to shelter and then went to fetch the doctor.

Talking it over a few weeks later, a friend praised the horse’s intelligence. “Heck, he’s so smart,” replied the cowboy. “He came back with the veterinarian.”

36. Outside and Inside

Teacher: Arthur, if you had three apples and ate one, how many would you have? Arther: Three.

Teacher: Three?

Arthur: Yes, Two outside and one inside.

37. The City Man and the Mountain Man

A city man was on holidays in the mountains. He got talking to a local man and was very impressed by the mountain man's common sense. He suggested they play a game. “We will ask each other questions,” he said, “and the person who can't answer pays a dollar.” The mountain man thought about this for a few minutes, then pointed out that the city man was more educated and experienced. He said it would be fairer if the city man paid a dollar and he pays only 50 cents. The city man agreed.

“What has three legs and can fly?” asked the mountain man. Minutes passed while the city man racked his brain for an answer. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “Here is your dollar.” Then he asked the same question: “What has three legs and can fly?”

“Darned if I know,” said the mountain man. “Here is your 50 cents.”

38. Welcome to Come Back

A tourist saw a road sign that read “No through Way. Please Go Another Way.” He looked ahead and saw nothing wrong at all. He decided to go on, thinking the sign was a kind of joke. After a while he saw a broken bridge and had to turn back. When he came to the sign on the road, he saw these words on its backside: “Welcome to Come Back. You Fool!”

39. The Rope and the Weather

Boy: What are you doing with that piece of rope?

Old-timer: This is a weather gauge, my son.

Boy: How do you tell the weather with a piece of rope?

Old-timer: It’s simple. When it swings back and forth, it’s windy. When it gets wet, it’s raining.

40. I'll Take the Other One

If you think prices are too high you can follow the example of one American woman. At a fruit shop the price of oranges was marked as two for 35 cents.

The woman asked how much one orange was. “18 cents.” was the answer. “Then,” the woman said, “I'll take the other one!”