老外最精彩一句话笑话(附中文整理版)[精彩]

开始我直接求帝哥赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨帝哥办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求帝哥宽恕。2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 我希望能像爷爷那样，安静地在睡梦中死去…… 而不是要像他开的车上那些惨叫滴乘客一样死法啊！3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 你永远不能战胜一个纯牛逼 ,因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他个水平,然后用丰富的经验打败你4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 吾虽不杀伯仁，伯仁由我而死。/我真不想伤害你，但你也别逼我。/在这个世界上,我最不愿意做的事就是伤害你,但是这件事仍在我的考虑之列.5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... 如觉嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操错洞... /若XXOO。是下体的痛。那么。是你操错。6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 早起滴小鸟有虫虫！！！！！！晚到的老鼠有奶酪！！！！！ /早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃。7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比pol.ice来的快.8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. XXOO=打桥牌。 如果对手不好使，自己的手必须好使9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help **iling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 有些人就像 Slinkies （弹簧玩具），没什么实在用处，但看他们倒腾来捣腾去还是很有喜感。10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律的更替，而且是为了同一个无比肮脏的理由！！11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。 / 暴力不能解决任何问题，但至少可以解决你。12、Women might be able to fake orga**s. But men can fake a whole relati**hip. 女人的**可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！/女人假装**以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的**。13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在公众面前装逼。14、Men have two emoti**: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 男人就两种状态：饿，性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他来俩面包夹香肠！15、Light travels faster than sound. Thisis why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些NB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都是那么的坦荡。17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 小姐啊，你干这么半天不揍是为了钱么。（曾以为我在卖艺，原来我是在卖身。）18、If you think noｂｏｄｙ cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 0、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 下棋，我不行；玩跆拳道，电脑不行！/下象棋电脑把我玩得团团转，打魂斗罗我能把机箱踹得七零八散！31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 人一走大家就开心了。.46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨叫声是一样滴。 /热恋无小事，屁大的也是个霹雳！！47、Crowded elevators **ell different to midgets. 横看成岭侧成峰，矮人眼里全是湿。。。48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 我可没怨你！我就是骂你！49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ut not the fact that I am right. 我的观点或许改变了，但我是正确的这一事实却亘古不变。（我们要搞Communist主义，也要搞有中国特色的社会主义。）61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 心理医师：你神经病！！！ 我：能说点别的吗？ 心理医师：好！！而且你真TM丑！！！62、A little boy asked his father, 早就该知道我跟我EX没戏！！！！归根结底，我是天枰她是JP！！77、Hallmark Card: often. 好吧，既然这艘船要沉了，救生衣又只有一件，我就勉为其难的虚伪一下，你对我来说实在是不能再nice的朋友了...我一定会经常想念你滴~!!!92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.站在车库的你并不会变成一辆奔驰是吧？所以站在教堂的你也不会变成基督徒。（站着说话不腰疼）93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 世界总是在变，但我却怎么也便不出来。/人生何处不杯具，唯有面对饮水机。”94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 假设我们会吃一堑，长一智，为什么有如此多NB生那么多孩子。95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 你赶不上的巴士永远比你赶上的巴士跑得快1倍。96、Whoever coined the phrase